Hi Sweet Friend,
But what if you can’t forgive?
I wanted to kick off this blog by extolling the virtues of forgiveness. Every faith agrees that forgiveness is the seat of liberation. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, rather than stuck in the past. However, try as I might, I just can’t muster up the energy to write a big soaring blog on something I’m still having trouble with.
The truth is, sometimes forgiveness feels impossible. Have you been there? Are you there now? Is there someone in your life that no matter how hard you try, how many books you read, how many lectures or workshops you attend, you still can’t forgive? Are you tough on yourself for that? Me too.
Today I want to talk about what we can do if we’re not quite ready or able to let go. And I’m really interested in your thoughts too. Because there’s nothing worse than feeling stuck.
Forgiveness doesn’t only resolve our past, it alleviates our fear of the future. When we hold onto thoughts, memories or traumas, we’re unconsciously attempting to protect ourselves from experiencing that pain again. It can be a complicated process that takes time (not a prescription pill you pop to make it all better). As someone who’s lived with chronic disease for almost 2 decades, I’ve learned that sometimes there are no short cuts. Forgiveness takes a similar kind of loving patience and ability to accept where we are right now. All healing happens in the right season. It can’t be rushed. Please don’t yell at your kale.
So for me, the first step is to stop forcing and judging. The more I judge myself the more negative, fear-based energy I bring to the situation. This leads to compulsively vomiting that awful word “should”, which only increases my inability to let the darn thing go. “You should be over this by now. You should forgive. You’re a Hay House author for Godsake, a supposed model spiritual citizen, if you can’t forgive you certainly have no business in the business of self-help. Give back your book deal, roll up your blog, join the Hells Angels–you’re done sister.”
And on and on. Sound familiar? (Hopefully not as dramatic.)
It’s pretty obvious that this kind of thinking gets us nowhere. In fact, it only dials up our dislike (or hatred) for the person we’re having a hard time forgiving! Because if they didn’t do such and such then we wouldn’t feel like such a bad person for not forgiving! It’s sorta funny really.
Release the pressure. It’s okay to press pause on problem solving before making your next move. We tend to focus on action and results, but sometimes there’s a gap between the place we really are and the place we want to be. Here’s a baby step that helps narrow that gap: Forgive yourself for not forgiving.
Forgive yourself for not being ready–yet. Send compassion to yourself–first. Send love to the place that is so hurt it keeps you from taking one step forward. Sit quietly. Think of the pain you’re feeling. Breathe. Put your hand on your heart and silently say “It’s OK. I love you and I forgive you for being angry, sad, stuck, etc.”. Use whatever words bring you peace. Every time I do this it releases blocked energy. And I do it a lot. I do it whenever I start to judge or attack myself in any way.
HI….
Thankyou Kris……
i just wanted to say that we forgive not for others but for our own wellbeing, understanding this makes to easier to let go of our grudges…..its not about the other person, its about you and your own inner landscape which is something you can control…….when we think of the ‘negative’ person, without forgiveness, we re-traumatise all over again……but when we think of them with forgiveness we say to ourselves : well, in the end, i overcame this, i have healed, i have moved on, let it all go, and i am free to live the life of my dreams.
Also without forgiveness we tend to dwell more on the ‘negative’ person, like we brood and stew over all that went wrong. But with forgiveness we say ” i overcame this” and dont really think too much more about it. We have the headspace for more productive thinking.
Forgiveness is about freeing yourself to move forward. i find that writing letters i never send to the people i need to forgive really helps.
Finally, this simple mantra may help….i was taught this by a Buddhist monk, it is the basis of a meditation known as Metta (Loving kindness) Meditation.
” May i be well and happy. May you be well and happy. May all beings be well and happy.”
Thank you. Namaste.
Hi Kris. The most USEFUL tool I’ve ever found on forgiveness, which has actually worked to allow me to have a relationship with a family member I used to have murderous (lol) thoughts about, has been The Work of Byron Katie. I used to just write this family member off, do lots of art while my heart and head were in a storm of judgmental rage, and then be “satisfied” (seemingly) with just forgiving her from a distance.
But Byron Katie helped to completely take the sting out of it. She helped me to not take any of this person’s antics personally. She helped me to recognize all of my fears from an objective place where I feel untouchable, which frees me to be who I am – an otherwise sane person, who can live in the moment and be nonreactive.
I can’t be lazy around this person. I have to remain alert as if I were dealing with a red-zone dog like Cesar Milan. I apologized for all my wrong-doings to this person. And she didn’t take responsibility for anything that she’s done wrong, but I didn’t expect her to. That is her work, and not my business. I used to think I needed her to acknowledge the ways she’s hurt me, so I could trust that she wouldn’t do it again, but since she’s not doing that, I have to accept this relationship for what it is right now, which is much less tense and leaves me feeling kind of badass for challenging myself in a situation that used to seem impossible. One day, maybe we’ll have the kind of relationship where I can truly trust and rely on her. In the meantime, I’ll just trust and rely on myself; let her be who she is in this moment, and remain as loving and non-reactive (and not self-righteous) as I can possibly be.
Gloria Steinam says you can re-parent yourself, which was a very intriguing statement, but she didn’t say how. I believe Byron Katie’s work is the “how”. It shows you how to go through life taking nothing personally, which is how all those saintly people seem so saintly. They don’t curse a fire for burning their fingers, and they don’t become phobic of the fire. They allow the fire to serve it’s useful purpose, which is easier to recognize in fire than in volatile people (I don’t mean this in a judgmental way), and they respect what it can do and respond accordingly from moment to moment.
I’ve also learned that by practicing this “work” with such a hard case like my family member, it becomes exceedingly easy to canoodle myself even when anger takes over my rationality (with other people. I never allow myself to lose it with my red-zone family member). But like when I’m pms’ing and I start to make my sweetie wrong with every word he says, I laugh inside at my poor self who isn’t coping ideally. Every time I notice, I’m getting better. Just like Eckhart Tolle teaches. I cool down much quicker, and then I want to run to my sweetie and apologize for how I reacted, but mostly out of fear that he’s judging my lack of coolness, or (on a micro level) that he loves me less for it. So I don’t rush to apologize, because I have a new compassion for myself, which makes the apology seem unnecessary. That sounds weird I know. It’s not that I don’t take responsibility for my actions, because I do. It’s just hard to find the words for the experience. Anyway, my man does love me, and he knows I’ll cool down. He doesn’t expect an apology, and the moment he notices that the “demon” has left me, he rushes to be affectionate again.
Oh life; it’s wild and exhilarating. I love all your posts, and thanks for asking people how they feel about the topics!
Hi Kris: thank you so much for this blog!! It is taking me a long time to forgive a fake friend who abused our friendship. Thank you for the advice to forgive myself first and then I hopefully will be in a better place to forgive others. Thank you very much.
I always tell myself and others that we need to stop “Shoulding all over ourselves!” And it sounds a little like a cruse word – which makes me like it even more! LOL Thanks for the share!
Hello,
There was a time when you invited your readers to submit blogs/articles, but then no longer. I was wondering if you would bring that back. Thanks.
All the best,
Jenny
great timing! I just read an article the other day about an Iranian mother who forgave her son’s killer just moments before his execution, and his life was spared. She said her murdered son came to her in a dream and told her to do it. I was in tears reading the article (the photos where also intense) and have since been thinking a lot about the amazing power of forgiveness…thanks so much for sharing!
I have lived with an eating disorder for 41 years. I continuously think “I am so smart and well educated. Why do I do this? I should know better”. I will try to forgive myself. Thank you for this.
My top favorite topic…forgiveness!!! (I’m currently in the depths of creating a program around this and it’s something I’ve studied and practiced for the last 25 years…sooo dear to my heart.)
You’ve really understood the baby step that we all need sometimes. LOVE your post:)
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you move thru this challenging time in your own life.xo
Im soooo happy that you brought this up today! I’ve been going through a fase in which my ego is always saying “you should feel different, you should be feeling happy, but you are not!” I think my baby step at this very moment its going back to self love and give myself a reward. Acknowledge that I dont need to be perfect because in true nature Im already!
Thank you Kris! You are my “piece of wisdom” of the day. Xoxo
Everything comes in the right moment 🙂
Be gentle and compassive with myself is the first step I do when things dont happen the way I want.
The second is to know “everything is ok” , Its ok if I feel guilty, anger, dissapointded, etc… because Im a human been. The most important thing is that my final intention is to do the best I can do, in the right moment.
Third, I try dont forget Im a spiritual being living and experimenting in a human body.
Love you¡
Dear Kris,
What a great blog. Everything you said touched my heart, it made perfect sense. Thank you so much for sharing and for being such a wonderful light in our lives. Blessings.
Thank you so much for this Kris! I so needed this today. I wrote a book, 5 Gifts to Give Yourself, with one of the gifts being forgiveness. Yet, I too still have days like today, beating myself up for not being where I want to be or for not doing certain things differently. The “should’ves” get us nowhere.
Beautiful words to exercise some self-compassion. Coming from a place of love rather than judgement, I believe, is the only way things truly change. And, the only way our hearts can be at peace.
“Until we learn to accept and forgive ourselves, we can never love others freely or completely.”
Hey Kris – I can absolutely relate. Forgiveness is such an easy concept, yet so hard to put into practice. What has absolutely helped me the most is reminding myself what an incredibly large role we allow our egos to play in our lives. When I can separate myself from the fact that something/someone has hurt my egoic self, it gives me the awareness that my soul and core self is untouchable by trivial action. It also reminds me that not everyone is blessed with this awareness and many of us are unable to separate or see the difference between who we think we are (our ego) and who we really are (part of creation and a higher power). People can only do as good as they are. I can’t be mad at someone for being at a different place in their experience than I am in mine. “Forgive them, for they know not what they do”.
Wow, I really needed to hear this now. I haven’t spoken to my mother in 7 years–so much loathing and rejection on both sides, it just seemed the right thing to do to disappear from her life altogether. I even had cancer last year and neither parent knew about it, we are all so separated at this point. But my sister, as the only sibling who still speaks to my mother, is being unfairly burdened and I feel horrible. So it’s time for me to stop being frozen in this hateful state and find the courage to re-connect…will have a chance on my 50th birthday, during my sister’s visit. I dread seeing her but I trust that it will allow me to stop being so stuck, and maybe even to open my heart up to love again. So thanks for this timely post! Much love to all of you in your quest for forgiveness, too. <3
Hi Kris, Like all the other comments I’ve read, thank you for this insight, these words, this message. My family has been going through a terrible ordeal. My father, is the most amazing, beautiful, spiritual, religious, giving, man I know. He wholeheartedly practices what he preaches; to be a good, honest, loving person to all creation. Recently he was involved in a car accident with a young motorcyclist. The young man was killed at the scene. The family holds a lot of anger and hurt towards my dad. We accept this as a stage in grieving. My issue is with how they are attacking my dad. It is hard to sit back and let them say and do such horrible, hurtful things. They only see what is written on paper, they don’t know him, the have never met him, they have no idea about how we are trying to heal just as they are. They don’t know our family story, and how we have been in their shoes ourselves numerous times. Somehow through all of this my parents are staying quiet, hoping for a time when a healing conversation may occur, praying for the family to find peace. At the moment I am the person having the forgiving issues. I have gone through conversations in my mind everything from angry words, to support, to silence, to screaming… I’ve come to understand that the word “forgive” does not have to be said to give or ask for forgiveness. That in fact it can detur or even upset the act of forgiveness. Someday if the chance arises, I think I have finally found the words I would say to them “You may hate my dad, you may hate my family, regardless, we love you and only wish someday you can find peace in your heart, and understand we are and always will be here for you… to talk to, to hear you, to grieve with you, to support you. In the meantime, we will surround you with healing prayer and love.” Knowing I have those words in my back pocket gives me the strength to start healing, to forgive them, to forgive me…
What I love about this blog and continuously about Kris is her humaneness. I feel you close the gap between me, a spiritual beginner, and you, a Hay House spiritual leader. You break down the steps so I can feel the possibility to be my own healing heart warrior, not just read about others and read their books and then say to myself, “but HOW exactly?” ” he or she is further down the path, I can see the light far away but the path 2 steps ahead is dark again”. Kris I have this image of you running back with the lantern of light and say with such compassion ” here see this is where the next step”. Thank you
Hi Kris! Part of why we hold on to old patterns is because we’re scared of moving forward and what power we possess in a more evolved self. I know that’s true for me. I am REALLY good at being frustrated, feeling like I can’t move forward with all my baggage, struggling from the depths, feeling sorry for myself. I’m kinda sick of it, actually.
Thank you for your transparency!! It’s beautiful!
Hello, I really appreciate this article since I have struggled with forgiving 2 people that should have been extremely close to me…..my parents. Both my parents were alcoholics which lead to a very difficult childhood. The impact of their drinking and related abuse has followed me throughout my life (I’m now in my 50’s).
Even more difficult for me was learning the truth of my very existence. I was conceived during an affair between my Mother & her marriage counselor….. Aka my father the social worker! This was a difficult fact to discover but it was made more so since my Mother never revealed this “secret” to me personally. I learned the truth after her passing & was informed of this by my half-sister, as well as several others that knew the truth.
It has been very difficult to forgive my Mother & forget all that has happened. I struggle with it and feel badly that I can’t accomplish this, especially since my Mother is gone & this is only hurting me, no one else!
Taking baby steps toward forgiveness is where I am right now also. I won’t allow my past to cloud my present & future but I readily acknowledge that this past has helped to shape me into the person today. I’ve made numerous mistakes in my lifetime while trying to escape my “reality.” I take full responsibility for these mistakes and have learned to forgive myself for this. I know that the rest of the forgiveness will come in time. One step at a time, one day at a time!
I have been helped with a forgiveness issue that long weighted me down, by using EFT tapping. It may sound goofy to some people, but it certainly does work and it helps you focus your thought and not just go one breathing yourself up!
Eft discovery also. The tapping really is a solution!
Thank you Kris…as I move through a painful break up, this advice really helps. Self love and forgiveness is the way out of this dark tunnel of pain. Time, patience and care will help me live through the moment. Forgiving myself is the key.
I’m blessed and grateful you are on this earth!
Peace and love