Hiya Gorgeous,
This is a deeply personal blog. In it, I’m sharing an important health update, as well as some hard-earned tips for how to navigate the fear of medical tests and scan anxiety. Though this post is specific to my cancer journey, these tools can be applied to lots of other scary shit pickles. 🙂
A few months ago, I realized that I was overdue for my 2-year CAT scan, blood tests and visit with my oncologist. My first thought was: “Damn it! I don’t have time for this. I’m just too busy.” But I quickly realized that “I’m too busy” is an affirmation. It sends a message to my body that I’m not a priority, my health isn’t important and neither is my life. That message certainly isn’t in alignment with my love for myself or my health goals—I needed to flip the script, posthaste!
So I quickly reached for better thoughts by telling myself that my health and safety are my top priorities, and that nothing would get in the way of me taking care of myself. Then I made self-care accountability a topic on a recent Wellness Wednesday live broadcast. I asked for you to hold me accountable for making and going to these extremely important appointments.
Pssst… I also encouraged you to schedule any health check-ups you’ve been blowing off. Have you done that yet, dear one?
Something I didn’t share during that Wellness Wednesday is that I was very anxious about that appointment. Maybe my heightened emotions were influenced by the fear I have around my dad’s journey with pancreatic cancer and how helpless I feel at times. Or maybe it was because I’ve been feeling some new pains in my rib cage, which had me wondering if my disease had finally spread to my bones. Or perhaps it was that strange lump in my arm that was secretly freaking me the F out.
Or maybe it was that I’d just agreed to some exciting opportunities this fall, and in the back of my mind I was afraid that my disease had finally woken up and become aggressive. That would mean pressing pause and putting my full focus on my health—again.
As you can tell, there’s been a lot of uncertainty swirling around in my mind. While I’m skilled at staying grounded and not catastrophizing, these symptoms and fears put my practice to the test!
That’s the thing about being a cancer patient. Every little ache, pain or sneeze can send you into a tailspin of sweaty worry. And when that happens, we need tools to help diffuse those emotions before they totally take over and spread like a nasty contagion.
So here’s what I did to calm myself down, return to my center and connect with my heart.
When I got to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute for my appointment (yes, the self-care accountability did help!), I hunkered down in the public bathroom (a spiffy place, by the way!) and did two things.
First, I looked in the mirror, stared deeply into my own green eyes and with all the compassion I could muster, I said:
“I love you. I’m here for you. Whatever happens, we’ve got this. We’ll figure it out. I’ve got your back and I always will. I love you.”
Deep breath… And another… And yet another.
I kept breathing and repeating those words over and over again until I could feel the butterflies (no, more like gassy dragons!) in my stomach calm down. And they did.
Second, I started to make a mental list of all the things that are right with me. Sure, I have dozens of tumors in my lungs and liver, a weird pain in my ribs and a strange lump in my arm, but there are so many parts of me that are working exceptionally—including those that are struggling. This simple exercise brought me back to a place of gratitude for all that is working in my life. And when you’re in gratitude, it’s harder to be in anxiety.
The next time you feel out of control or like the floor is about to fall out from under you, try these tips. They may seem hokey or woo-woo, but believe me, these little exercises are powerful soul medicine.
Ok, and now for the news: All is well. Cue the band!
The lump in my arm is a harmless fatty tumor, there’s nothing going on with my rib cage (looks like I pulled a muscle while using my favorite workout app—no further metastasis, I’m just out of shape, lol), and the tumors in my liver and lungs are still stable. Deep sigh… I’ve been living with this strange stage IV sarcoma for more years than I thought I would, and all truly is well.
But there’s more! My oncologist felt confident enough to suggest that I could come back in 3-5 years (I’ve been going every 2 years or more since getting diagnosed). What?! That’s like a lifetime to me. I never thought he’d say something like that or that I could experience that much time (and freedom) between hospital visits. Tears…
In his words, “we’re just thrilled.” After comparing 16 years of scans, the consensus is that even though I still have cancer, I’m well enough and it’s indolent enough to give me more breathing room—and I’ll gratefully take it.
Plus, I also learned that there’s a clinical trial underway for my disease (epithelioid hemangioendothelioma). The first of its kind. So that’s some potential progress for my rare sarcoma and all the patients who live with it—some of whom have a more aggressive form.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to share this news with you all, especially those of you who have followed my journey since the beginning. Though I don’t write about cancer as much as I used to, it’s still always in the background of my mind and it always will be. It continues to teach me, and I continue to define myself by my values, desires, goals and love—not cancer.
Join me on social!
I share simple ways you take impeccable care of yourself—body, mind and soul. Instagram and Facebook. I did a Wellness Wednesday episode on this topic and shared more tips for dealing with health anxiety—check out the replay here!
Thanks again for supporting me, friends. And don’t forget to make your well-being a priority. Book those doctor appointments and do whatever else you need to do. The world needs you (and so do I).
Peace & deep gratitude,
I am jumping out of joy and thrilled to hear the news. You are simply amazing! SO happy!! You inspire me! Keep shining your light! So much love and gratitude to you!
That’s wonderful news, Kris! So happy for you! You continue to be such an inspiration. The affirmation you said to yourself in the mirror brought tears to my eyes. It is exactly what I needed to say to myself right now. Thank you!
You are so very blessed. Keep up the positive vibes and spreading your love!???
I’m so happy you’re appointment went well! You are beyond inspiring. And although I’ve never met you I know that you are kind through and through. Keep being a wonderful human!!
Thank you Susan. 🙂
I have followed you for years and I rejoice in this wonderful news with you Kris! You have had a huge impact on my health and life. I will always be here lifting you up in gratitude for the countless ways you have lifted me. Blessings xo
That is wonderful wonderful news Kris. You bring me and many people so much hope and strength and for that day I thank you.
Have a great week.
From down under Sydney
Cathy xx
Such great news. sending hugs and love to you! xoxo
So pleased to read your very good news. Thank you for sharing your story with us all and for reminding us to focus on the things that are right with ourselves. I need to do this more often than I do.
Kris – I have been following your journey for awhile now – you are amazing and a breathe of fresh air when I need it most. Congratulations on your wonderful, good news! I cannot wait to see what you have planned next in your wellness journey that inspires so very many!
Thank you, Anne! 🙂
Thanks Kris! I also have to go back for yearly scans and get the “grassy dragons” each time. I will definitely keep these tips in mind for my next visit. Your courage and determination inspire me. Thank you for sharing your story, and congrats on your great news! So happy for you!
I’ll be thinking of you and holding you in my heart, Sheryl. 🙂 xo
So so happy for you Kris, you’re an incredible inspiration and role model! Sending love health and happiness your way. X
I am SO HAPPY for you and being in the stage of getting scans every 3-4 months, I can so relate to the joy of 3-5 YEARS! Just wonderful Kris. XXOX Thanks for all your wisdom, compassion and inspiration. You are a light in my life.
Thank you Kate! I remember that stage well. I will pray that you get to graduate to more time between scans swiftly. 🙂
I am thrilled for you that all is well! Bless you for sharing your journey and all of your helpful practices!
That’s awesome news Kris. Thanks for sharing your continued journey. I’ve been using your meditations since March – first thing in the morning and in the evening – they are so helpful and amazing. Thank-you.
You continue to inspire and awe me! We have lost touch in some ways, however you will always be my ‘beautiful, soulful, fearless friend’ from our careful, crazy NY days!
I love you Kris!
XO,
Dacey
I love you right back and adore our wild fun wonderful memories! Great to see you here ole friend. 🙂
Thinking of you Kris and sending you so much love and congratulations and way to go sister!!!
So wonderful to read this post! Such great news!! God bless you! Love your Wellness Wednesdays! They, and you are so very inspiring! Thank you Kris!! XO
PTL!!! Rejoicing with you over your great news!! I’ve been following you since my DCIS diagnosis last year and have gotten so many great recipes and very helpful health info from you since then. Thanks for all you do to share your wealth of knowledge/information with others!! Your cheerful disposition, humor, and experiential knowledge you have so freely shared with us is a HUGE BLESSING! Thanks, Kris, I appreciate it more than words can say!
I appreciate YOU more than words can say, Amy! So grateful to be part of your healing journey.
So very happy to hear this great news, Kris! Prayers, blessings and health to you! Dana Farber is such a leader in research and treatment; you’re in the best hands.
Keep on keep’n on, gorgeous! 🙂
Dearest Kris, WONDERFUL news! Thank you for being a GREAT model of positive self care. It means the world to all us survivors out here.
One thing that jumped out at me in this blog: 2x you used the word “finally,” and not in a positive way. Please instead send the message to your brain: finally I beat this. It is not inevitable that cancer will return. Yes, of course, it is inevitable we will all die, but hopefully after LIVING. Which is what you are all about. Best wishes!