Hiya Gorgeous,
This is a deeply personal blog. In it, I’m sharing an important health update, as well as some hard-earned tips for how to navigate the fear of medical tests and scan anxiety. Though this post is specific to my cancer journey, these tools can be applied to lots of other scary shit pickles. 🙂
A few months ago, I realized that I was overdue for my 2-year CAT scan, blood tests and visit with my oncologist. My first thought was: “Damn it! I don’t have time for this. I’m just too busy.” But I quickly realized that “I’m too busy” is an affirmation. It sends a message to my body that I’m not a priority, my health isn’t important and neither is my life. That message certainly isn’t in alignment with my love for myself or my health goals—I needed to flip the script, posthaste!
So I quickly reached for better thoughts by telling myself that my health and safety are my top priorities, and that nothing would get in the way of me taking care of myself. Then I made self-care accountability a topic on a recent Wellness Wednesday live broadcast. I asked for you to hold me accountable for making and going to these extremely important appointments.
Pssst… I also encouraged you to schedule any health check-ups you’ve been blowing off. Have you done that yet, dear one?
Something I didn’t share during that Wellness Wednesday is that I was very anxious about that appointment. Maybe my heightened emotions were influenced by the fear I have around my dad’s journey with pancreatic cancer and how helpless I feel at times. Or maybe it was because I’ve been feeling some new pains in my rib cage, which had me wondering if my disease had finally spread to my bones. Or perhaps it was that strange lump in my arm that was secretly freaking me the F out.
Or maybe it was that I’d just agreed to some exciting opportunities this fall, and in the back of my mind I was afraid that my disease had finally woken up and become aggressive. That would mean pressing pause and putting my full focus on my health—again.
As you can tell, there’s been a lot of uncertainty swirling around in my mind. While I’m skilled at staying grounded and not catastrophizing, these symptoms and fears put my practice to the test!
That’s the thing about being a cancer patient. Every little ache, pain or sneeze can send you into a tailspin of sweaty worry. And when that happens, we need tools to help diffuse those emotions before they totally take over and spread like a nasty contagion.
So here’s what I did to calm myself down, return to my center and connect with my heart.
When I got to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute for my appointment (yes, the self-care accountability did help!), I hunkered down in the public bathroom (a spiffy place, by the way!) and did two things.
First, I looked in the mirror, stared deeply into my own green eyes and with all the compassion I could muster, I said:
“I love you. I’m here for you. Whatever happens, we’ve got this. We’ll figure it out. I’ve got your back and I always will. I love you.”
Deep breath… And another… And yet another.
I kept breathing and repeating those words over and over again until I could feel the butterflies (no, more like gassy dragons!) in my stomach calm down. And they did.
Second, I started to make a mental list of all the things that are right with me. Sure, I have dozens of tumors in my lungs and liver, a weird pain in my ribs and a strange lump in my arm, but there are so many parts of me that are working exceptionally—including those that are struggling. This simple exercise brought me back to a place of gratitude for all that is working in my life. And when you’re in gratitude, it’s harder to be in anxiety.
The next time you feel out of control or like the floor is about to fall out from under you, try these tips. They may seem hokey or woo-woo, but believe me, these little exercises are powerful soul medicine.
Ok, and now for the news: All is well. Cue the band!
The lump in my arm is a harmless fatty tumor, there’s nothing going on with my rib cage (looks like I pulled a muscle while using my favorite workout app—no further metastasis, I’m just out of shape, lol), and the tumors in my liver and lungs are still stable. Deep sigh… I’ve been living with this strange stage IV sarcoma for more years than I thought I would, and all truly is well.
But there’s more! My oncologist felt confident enough to suggest that I could come back in 3-5 years (I’ve been going every 2 years or more since getting diagnosed). What?! That’s like a lifetime to me. I never thought he’d say something like that or that I could experience that much time (and freedom) between hospital visits. Tears…
In his words, “we’re just thrilled.” After comparing 16 years of scans, the consensus is that even though I still have cancer, I’m well enough and it’s indolent enough to give me more breathing room—and I’ll gratefully take it.
Plus, I also learned that there’s a clinical trial underway for my disease (epithelioid hemangioendothelioma). The first of its kind. So that’s some potential progress for my rare sarcoma and all the patients who live with it—some of whom have a more aggressive form.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to share this news with you all, especially those of you who have followed my journey since the beginning. Though I don’t write about cancer as much as I used to, it’s still always in the background of my mind and it always will be. It continues to teach me, and I continue to define myself by my values, desires, goals and love—not cancer.
Join me on social!
I share simple ways you take impeccable care of yourself—body, mind and soul. Instagram and Facebook. I did a Wellness Wednesday episode on this topic and shared more tips for dealing with health anxiety—check out the replay here!
Thanks again for supporting me, friends. And don’t forget to make your well-being a priority. Book those doctor appointments and do whatever else you need to do. The world needs you (and so do I).
Peace & deep gratitude,
Dear Kris! Hey girl – you are my SuperHeroInxoxo I can imagine the F-angst, because I have to go through it too. I am very relieved, grateful and down right glad+Happy for you!!! You are such an amazing woman and have literally saved my “behind”. I cheer you on!! Toast! You are deeply needed, appreciated, cherished and loved in this world and from many you do not even know;-) So much love from here and congratulations!! Sandra xoxo
Sending love right back, Sandra. Mwah!
Congratulations Kris!! I’m making my doctors appointments and getting that mammogram—thank you for helping me flip the script! Best wishes!
Fantastic Kim!
Great news!! So happy for you!! Thanks for sharing you wisdom and your journey ?
I can’t imagine what it is like dealing with cancer, but I can imagine dealing with a disability. For decades I’ve lived with declining eyesight. Without glasses I was legally blind. Then at 60 I was diagnosed with cataracts. I was scheduled for surgery, and special implants which would correct my eyesight. A year after my surgery I went to my regular eye doctor. He ran my yearly tests, looked at me and told my to go home as I didn’t need anything done.
People may think that I didn’t have cancer. No, but no matter the illness, when the doctor smiles and says you doing great and to go away, you sit there and think I wasn’t expecting that! Then you go into shock because it had become such a part of your life. Then you celebrate, scream and cry years of joy!
Keep it up and thank you for your help for all of us!
Wow, Bob. Thank you for sharing your story. So glad your eyes are healthy. xo!
Such awesome news!!!
So glad to hear your good news
Thanks for the tips to stay calm. We all do that. Make a simple pain something worse!
Wonderful news! Thanks for the positive post with awesome suggestions.
Wonderful!!! So happy for you, Kris!! ??♂️??♂️??♂️Thank you for being such a bright light for so many people. ?
Happy Tears! Oh Kris – YOU are my HERO. I have followed you from your documentary. You are an inspiration and mentor and role model for so many.
Thank You for all you do for us!
Vic – 22 year cancer survivor
Thank you so much for the love, dear Vic. You inspire me. xo!
This is best news ever, Kris! I have a BFF for 61 years and she is also going for check ups, on her 14th year, to find out all continues to be well. The way you live and teach the path of wellness, with or without dis-ease, is a gift and a blessing for me. Here’s to your ongoing health……..a new trial study and 3-5 years before your next check up!
Sending you and your BFF my love, Diana. I hope my little tips help her when she goes in for those check-ups. How lucky is she to have a friend like you?!
Dear Kris, congratulations!!!! I am so glad to read, that you have such a wonderful result! I always watch your messages and videos and your wellbeing has become important for me…. Big hug :-))) , Birgit
Congratulations!!!
And perfect timing for these tools—I have two follow up appointments this week after, for the first time in a year and a half post breast cancer—I had some higher numbers last month. Thank you for these—going to use them!
So glad these tips came at the right time, Hollis. I’ll be holding you in my heart and hoping you get good news. <3
Hi Kriss
Thank you for sharing.
God is good. Always enjoy hearing from you,
Keep up the good work.
Love you.
As a rare cancer patient, as well, I couldn’t be happier for you!! Congratulations and many well wishes!! Great news!!! I’m so thankful for your honest, genuine words. You get “it”, appointment and scan anxiety are for real, and they suck. Your tips and tricks are very helpful. Keep up the great work!!
Miss Kris this is such great news, I’m so very very happy for you! <3 <3 <3
Thank you so much for sharing this with us and leading us all in our own wellness journeys. Love love you XOXO
Blessings to you, Kris! Thanks for sharing and encouraging so many. Happy Day!
Congratulations Kris! Such wonderful news ❤️
Wishing health and happiness to you and your dad.. thrilled to hear you are continuing to do well, I wish the same for dad! Just adore you Kris!! Xo
Adore you right back, Stephanie. Thanks for the love!
Dear Kris,
I have followed your posts for most of my 17 year journey. Your humor and honesty when sharing have resonated and restored my own sense of gratitude in the face of grievous circumstances. I, too, received welcomed news this year and simply want you to know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers the whole time. Congratulations, and thank you for your courage and candor.
A kindred spirit,
Lynn
Great news Kris! I have green eyes too and some of the same anxiety around CT scans. Thanks for all the inspiration and wisdom on the journey. Sending smoothie love and green hugs, Ann G