Hiya Gorgeous,
This is a deeply personal blog. In it, I’m sharing an important health update, as well as some hard-earned tips for how to navigate the fear of medical tests and scan anxiety. Though this post is specific to my cancer journey, these tools can be applied to lots of other scary shit pickles. 🙂
A few months ago, I realized that I was overdue for my 2-year CAT scan, blood tests and visit with my oncologist. My first thought was: “Damn it! I don’t have time for this. I’m just too busy.” But I quickly realized that “I’m too busy” is an affirmation. It sends a message to my body that I’m not a priority, my health isn’t important and neither is my life. That message certainly isn’t in alignment with my love for myself or my health goals—I needed to flip the script, posthaste!
So I quickly reached for better thoughts by telling myself that my health and safety are my top priorities, and that nothing would get in the way of me taking care of myself. Then I made self-care accountability a topic on a recent Wellness Wednesday live broadcast. I asked for you to hold me accountable for making and going to these extremely important appointments.
Pssst… I also encouraged you to schedule any health check-ups you’ve been blowing off. Have you done that yet, dear one?
Something I didn’t share during that Wellness Wednesday is that I was very anxious about that appointment. Maybe my heightened emotions were influenced by the fear I have around my dad’s journey with pancreatic cancer and how helpless I feel at times. Or maybe it was because I’ve been feeling some new pains in my rib cage, which had me wondering if my disease had finally spread to my bones. Or perhaps it was that strange lump in my arm that was secretly freaking me the F out.
Or maybe it was that I’d just agreed to some exciting opportunities this fall, and in the back of my mind I was afraid that my disease had finally woken up and become aggressive. That would mean pressing pause and putting my full focus on my health—again.
As you can tell, there’s been a lot of uncertainty swirling around in my mind. While I’m skilled at staying grounded and not catastrophizing, these symptoms and fears put my practice to the test!
That’s the thing about being a cancer patient. Every little ache, pain or sneeze can send you into a tailspin of sweaty worry. And when that happens, we need tools to help diffuse those emotions before they totally take over and spread like a nasty contagion.
So here’s what I did to calm myself down, return to my center and connect with my heart.
When I got to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute for my appointment (yes, the self-care accountability did help!), I hunkered down in the public bathroom (a spiffy place, by the way!) and did two things.
First, I looked in the mirror, stared deeply into my own green eyes and with all the compassion I could muster, I said:
“I love you. I’m here for you. Whatever happens, we’ve got this. We’ll figure it out. I’ve got your back and I always will. I love you.”
Deep breath… And another… And yet another.
I kept breathing and repeating those words over and over again until I could feel the butterflies (no, more like gassy dragons!) in my stomach calm down. And they did.
Second, I started to make a mental list of all the things that are right with me. Sure, I have dozens of tumors in my lungs and liver, a weird pain in my ribs and a strange lump in my arm, but there are so many parts of me that are working exceptionally—including those that are struggling. This simple exercise brought me back to a place of gratitude for all that is working in my life. And when you’re in gratitude, it’s harder to be in anxiety.
The next time you feel out of control or like the floor is about to fall out from under you, try these tips. They may seem hokey or woo-woo, but believe me, these little exercises are powerful soul medicine.
Ok, and now for the news: All is well. Cue the band!
The lump in my arm is a harmless fatty tumor, there’s nothing going on with my rib cage (looks like I pulled a muscle while using my favorite workout app—no further metastasis, I’m just out of shape, lol), and the tumors in my liver and lungs are still stable. Deep sigh… I’ve been living with this strange stage IV sarcoma for more years than I thought I would, and all truly is well.
But there’s more! My oncologist felt confident enough to suggest that I could come back in 3-5 years (I’ve been going every 2 years or more since getting diagnosed). What?! That’s like a lifetime to me. I never thought he’d say something like that or that I could experience that much time (and freedom) between hospital visits. Tears…
In his words, “we’re just thrilled.” After comparing 16 years of scans, the consensus is that even though I still have cancer, I’m well enough and it’s indolent enough to give me more breathing room—and I’ll gratefully take it.
Plus, I also learned that there’s a clinical trial underway for my disease (epithelioid hemangioendothelioma). The first of its kind. So that’s some potential progress for my rare sarcoma and all the patients who live with it—some of whom have a more aggressive form.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to share this news with you all, especially those of you who have followed my journey since the beginning. Though I don’t write about cancer as much as I used to, it’s still always in the background of my mind and it always will be. It continues to teach me, and I continue to define myself by my values, desires, goals and love—not cancer.
Join me on social!
I share simple ways you take impeccable care of yourself—body, mind and soul. Instagram and Facebook. I did a Wellness Wednesday episode on this topic and shared more tips for dealing with health anxiety—check out the replay here!
Thanks again for supporting me, friends. And don’t forget to make your well-being a priority. Book those doctor appointments and do whatever else you need to do. The world needs you (and so do I).
Peace & deep gratitude,
I am so very happy for you. I fully (as someone who has been down the cancer road) understand the fears that surface with every little pain or bump. Even though we may have the best coping in the world–we don’t want to be sick and we want to live. All our feelings are valid and understandable. You are a rock star at soothing your self and helping others to do the same. Thank you for sharing and again I am so happy for you!! xo
P.S. Also a great reminder and inspiration–it’s time for my 6 month blood marker test. It’s on the books for next week.
Dear Kris, I am so happy for you! I really admire you for the way you have managed your disease and life…..I have been a fan since the beginning. Sending love and positive energy.
Thanks for being with me from the start, Carolyn. I appreciate you more than you know! ?
I am SO immeasurably happy to read this great news!!!? I have followed you from the beginning. I can hardly believe 16 years has gone by?! You remain in my thoughts and prayers, deat Kris. ??✝️? Sending you love and huge ((((HUGS)))) Thank you for being such a light in this world. ?
I so appreciate all your love and prayers, dear Sheri. Right back at you!
This is a beautiful post and wonderful news!! Lots of love and big hugs for all that you have done and continue to do as the health and wellness warrior that you are. I have you to thank for the many changes in lifestyle both my hubby and I have made since purchasing your book Crazy Sexy diet after hearing you speak at a fund raiser many years ago. We also joined the Crazy Sexy You program, such a game changer. I look forward to seeing what comes next 🙂
Best to you always,
Lori
I am so very happy for you Kris. I have been following you since I first watched crazy sexy cancer in 2009! I shared it with a friend who was diagnosed with mesothelioma for inspiration. Sadly he passed away in 2011. But we had many laughs over the wheat grass enemas! Sending you warm loving hugs and energy. 🙂
I am over the moon for you Kris…you made me cry! I am also thriving in Stage 4, I totally get the mind games our bodies play on us BIG time! I am going for a walk in the sunshine now expressing my love and gratitude for your news all the way to the woods, I will say hi to the trees and bumble bees for you X. Thank you for everything you do XXXXX
Wish I could join you for that walk, Clare. Sounds delicious. Love you!
Oh Kris, I am shedding tears of joy with you! You are such an inspiration to all of us out here in syberspace!
I love you and all you are and all you do to inspire me!
Wow! Your story just made me cry and brought tears to my eyes. How beautiful you are on so many levels.!
You are here to truly show the world that they can heal with love power and beauty. Thank you for your timely message on making a doctor’s appointment as I have been skirting around the issue a bit. I will call to day and make my appointments. Thank you! You seem like you came in to planet Earth not to deal with sickness and disease but truly to be an example of inspiration and healing on a soul level transcending fear and showing people they can be a Beacon of light in their body mind and soul, and shine & heal on whatever souls growth level they are experiencing! You know who you are!? bless you!!!
¡Te Admiro!
I admire you!
I’m so, so happy for you, wish you all the best, immerse yourself in this blissful news! Cheers!!! P.S. I’ll be sure to schedule my own – belated – doctors’ appointments this month. Hope all goes well. I’m so happy for you!!!!
I’m sooooo happy you got good no GREAT news at the doctors!!!!!!! You are an inspiration to us all!!!! And I love the tips you gave on how to center ourselves when we feel like the floor is about to fall away. I’ve never looked at myself in the mirror and said I Love you, I’ve got your back, we got this!!! I am definitely going to do that!!! The reminder to get long overdue tests done too………. I’ve been putting off a colonoscopy for about 7 years. Shame on me!!!
Congrats on your news Chris!!!! xoxoxo
Kris, I’m so happy all is well with your health.
But I don’t trust doctors. If I’m doing all the good stuff why should I go for a check up.
I wouldn’t undergo any kind of treatments if they prescribed them anyway.
Does this make sense?
xxx
Mirella
Thank you, dear Mirella! To answer your question: It’s really up to you. I’ll share my opinion and you can see if anything resonates. I do trust certain doctors and have built wonderful relationships with my care team. If something were to change with my health, I would absolutely consult with them and it’s highly likely that I would do treatment, if needed. For me, I don’t want to limit my chances of surviving and thriving. I want to stack the odds in my favor and have everything at my disposal, again – if needed. Not all healers are bad (white coats and all). Many are doing incredible work saving lives and I think they often get a crappy rap in the holistic community. I’d rather be a bridge between two worlds than vilify one or the other, like I see so many people do. I’m not saying that you are doing that at all. You’re not, you’re just sharing your personal opinion. Above all, I trust that your amazing intuition will always lead you were you need to go. You know your body. And you have a smart inner physician, too. xoxo!
Girl, you’ve got your best years ahead of you. I’m the same age as you and I know we’re going to celebrate our 50th, 60th, 70th and 80th birthdays together (even if it’s from afar). You’re the most amazing person. Thank you for being such a bright and brilliant light for all of us. Love you and cheers to the great news, this awesome year and many celebrations to come! Yippee!!
Wow, would I LOVE that, Cori! I’m holding this vision for us both. Thank you, honey! xo
Great news! You are such an incredible inspiration for so many who are living with challenges. Thank you for coming into this life experience and living your purpose.
Hiya Kris!
Thank you so much for this blog. I was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer last November. I’m now well into treatment and all that comes with it. That said, last night I had a breakdown last night because I was having trouble swallowing some the 25 pills I take a day (most of which are vitamins). I freaked out and even had a fight over everything with my wife because we are both so stressed out.
Thank you. Thank you for putting your finger on exactly what I was doing to myself and my wife. Thank you for having this outlet for what has seemed like an insurmountable challenge at times. But most importantly, thank you for pointing out that the compassion and prioritization regarding this disease has to come from me.
Best,
Chris
I was diagnosed with a soft ball size tumor on my ovary 17 years ago. Freak out time!! I had just watched my Dad’s ride with conventional treatment of pancreatic cancer and I felt so helpless with him. What a gift he gave me because it put wind under my wings to say, ‘There’s gotta be a better way’ when I started my own journey.
A radical shift in lifestyle, diet, mindset and and and…14 months later…cancer free. We are changing this beautiful world and I LOVE your enthusiasm, transparency and radical Hell Yeah attitude. Keep shining fantabulous unicorn!
So happy to hear the great news! ??
And thank you for the tips!
Expressing heartfelt happiness for your excellent news! Thanks so very much for all that you are and do. Wishing you – oh, only 120 years or more – to continue your amazing work 😉
So so so happy to hear of your results Kris!! I have been praying for you ♥️ You are an inspiration to me!!
I am very happy to hear all went well!!!! Congratulations Kris! I know how disturbing doubts can be and I cannot but help celebrate the good news with you!!!
Kris, I am so, so happy for you! What a huge relief and you must be absolutely elated! Thank you for sharing this deeply personal news. Sending you so much love, and loads of good wishes from my heart to yours. And thanks for the self-care nudge 🙂