Hiya Gorgeous,
This is a deeply personal blog. In it, I’m sharing an important health update, as well as some hard-earned tips for how to navigate the fear of medical tests and scan anxiety. Though this post is specific to my cancer journey, these tools can be applied to lots of other scary shit pickles. 🙂
A few months ago, I realized that I was overdue for my 2-year CAT scan, blood tests and visit with my oncologist. My first thought was: “Damn it! I don’t have time for this. I’m just too busy.” But I quickly realized that “I’m too busy” is an affirmation. It sends a message to my body that I’m not a priority, my health isn’t important and neither is my life. That message certainly isn’t in alignment with my love for myself or my health goals—I needed to flip the script, posthaste!
So I quickly reached for better thoughts by telling myself that my health and safety are my top priorities, and that nothing would get in the way of me taking care of myself. Then I made self-care accountability a topic on a recent Wellness Wednesday live broadcast. I asked for you to hold me accountable for making and going to these extremely important appointments.
Pssst… I also encouraged you to schedule any health check-ups you’ve been blowing off. Have you done that yet, dear one?
Something I didn’t share during that Wellness Wednesday is that I was very anxious about that appointment. Maybe my heightened emotions were influenced by the fear I have around my dad’s journey with pancreatic cancer and how helpless I feel at times. Or maybe it was because I’ve been feeling some new pains in my rib cage, which had me wondering if my disease had finally spread to my bones. Or perhaps it was that strange lump in my arm that was secretly freaking me the F out.
Or maybe it was that I’d just agreed to some exciting opportunities this fall, and in the back of my mind I was afraid that my disease had finally woken up and become aggressive. That would mean pressing pause and putting my full focus on my health—again.
As you can tell, there’s been a lot of uncertainty swirling around in my mind. While I’m skilled at staying grounded and not catastrophizing, these symptoms and fears put my practice to the test!
That’s the thing about being a cancer patient. Every little ache, pain or sneeze can send you into a tailspin of sweaty worry. And when that happens, we need tools to help diffuse those emotions before they totally take over and spread like a nasty contagion.
So here’s what I did to calm myself down, return to my center and connect with my heart.
When I got to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute for my appointment (yes, the self-care accountability did help!), I hunkered down in the public bathroom (a spiffy place, by the way!) and did two things.
First, I looked in the mirror, stared deeply into my own green eyes and with all the compassion I could muster, I said:
“I love you. I’m here for you. Whatever happens, we’ve got this. We’ll figure it out. I’ve got your back and I always will. I love you.”
Deep breath… And another… And yet another.
I kept breathing and repeating those words over and over again until I could feel the butterflies (no, more like gassy dragons!) in my stomach calm down. And they did.
Second, I started to make a mental list of all the things that are right with me. Sure, I have dozens of tumors in my lungs and liver, a weird pain in my ribs and a strange lump in my arm, but there are so many parts of me that are working exceptionally—including those that are struggling. This simple exercise brought me back to a place of gratitude for all that is working in my life. And when you’re in gratitude, it’s harder to be in anxiety.
The next time you feel out of control or like the floor is about to fall out from under you, try these tips. They may seem hokey or woo-woo, but believe me, these little exercises are powerful soul medicine.
Ok, and now for the news: All is well. Cue the band!
The lump in my arm is a harmless fatty tumor, there’s nothing going on with my rib cage (looks like I pulled a muscle while using my favorite workout app—no further metastasis, I’m just out of shape, lol), and the tumors in my liver and lungs are still stable. Deep sigh… I’ve been living with this strange stage IV sarcoma for more years than I thought I would, and all truly is well.
But there’s more! My oncologist felt confident enough to suggest that I could come back in 3-5 years (I’ve been going every 2 years or more since getting diagnosed). What?! That’s like a lifetime to me. I never thought he’d say something like that or that I could experience that much time (and freedom) between hospital visits. Tears…
In his words, “we’re just thrilled.” After comparing 16 years of scans, the consensus is that even though I still have cancer, I’m well enough and it’s indolent enough to give me more breathing room—and I’ll gratefully take it.
Plus, I also learned that there’s a clinical trial underway for my disease (epithelioid hemangioendothelioma). The first of its kind. So that’s some potential progress for my rare sarcoma and all the patients who live with it—some of whom have a more aggressive form.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to share this news with you all, especially those of you who have followed my journey since the beginning. Though I don’t write about cancer as much as I used to, it’s still always in the background of my mind and it always will be. It continues to teach me, and I continue to define myself by my values, desires, goals and love—not cancer.
Join me on social!
I share simple ways you take impeccable care of yourself—body, mind and soul. Instagram and Facebook. I did a Wellness Wednesday episode on this topic and shared more tips for dealing with health anxiety—check out the replay here!
Thanks again for supporting me, friends. And don’t forget to make your well-being a priority. Book those doctor appointments and do whatever else you need to do. The world needs you (and so do I).
Peace & deep gratitude,
Great News Kris! I feel the same way while I am there at Dana Farber (fantastic place) waiting for my labs to pop up on my patient portal before I see the oncologist. Thanks for the tips! Wishing you wellness always!
I‘m so happy for you, I usually don‘t commend on blog posts, but I felt called to do it this time. I‘m 46 and I‘m battling Melanoma for years now, so I can relate to what you‘re writing very much. I found my peace with it and love and live my life more than ever, appreciating every single breath I‘m taking. My journey with cancer is bringing me into my own truth each day more and the same thing seems to be true for you.
I want to thank you for sharing your experience, your strength and insights in such an open way for all the women ( and hopefully men) who are going through similar experiences and feeling lost in it. Thank you for spreading your light in such a charming unique way. Keep going, the Universe certainly backs you up! Love, Katrin
I’ve been following you since I read your first book and when I saw you in Chicago many years ago. I loved the way you wrote and how you explained how our body works. I could understand it! This girl talks like me and I’ve followed you ever since. So great to hear your health news as I weep writing this. I never comment, but I felt compelled too. Way to go girl! By God you deserve it! Sending lots of love…
Congratulations, Kris!! So happy for your good news.
Wonderful news…So happy for you Kris!
Dear Kris, I am following you for a couple of years now. You are my HERO with amazing powerful energy of happiness and desire to live. Many blessing to you ❤️ You are incredibly beautiful person in side and out !
Hi Kris! Thank you for sharing about the story of your recent scan adventure. Watching your videos and reading your posts, you always sound so upbeat, it’s difficult to image that you also have your moments of anxiety and uncertainties.
I’m on a journey of radical remission now as a cancer survivor from stage 3c ovarian cancer. At the moment I’m only using natural alternative therapies after doctors told me that even chemotherapy has no effect on my body. Thankfully my body is improving everyday, though I only need to feel minor discomforts to put me into a tail spin and back in cancer scare mode. It’s so hard to keep the fear out and only think positively.
Reading your post made me realize that we are all human. Having fear is understandable, but we mustn’t give it too much power. After acknowledging the pain and discomforts, we have to calm our minds and think positively.
Your stories continue to inspire and comfort me. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Kris. Just wanted to say i am so happy for you. You have been my inspiration since my own cancer journey began 10 years ago. You made me realize how important food was in fighting cancer and your example led to me becoming a nutritionist and helping others with cancer. I have recently published Fight Fire with Food, A Cancer Prevention Cookbook to help send this message of healthy eating out to the world. Thank you so much for all you do to educate and inspire!
This is fabulous news! You are such an inspiration to everyone who is trying to be healthy whether currently battling an illness or not! I will keep cheering you on!
God bless you kris, you beautiful girl. I am so happy for you , and you are a true inspiration. You’ and your attitude are truly amazing . Xx
Dearest Chris,
Like so many of us who found your first book crazy sexy cancer .. For me it was a gift right after my diagnosis 2 years ago, with stage 4 b uterine cancer (WHAT?!?) i read your personal share this morning and tears of ” oh thank god” rolled down my cheeks
It was the perfect timing share .. As i have come to be stable myself and started to even forget in moments this teacher inside of me..
I needed to slow down as my body is working to keep up with my life again and i lost sight of the new promise i made not to abandon ship like this anymore.
So thank you for your sharing and reminder of this sacred relationship to our core selves that this dis-ease is teaching us..
Felicidades!!!!!!!!
warmly
Hilary
I’m so incredibly happy to hear that! You are a rockstar, Kris! Sending lots of love your way! xxx
Congratulations, Kris! Wishing you only good health — and thank you so much for all that you do for our community. I have been reading/following you since my diagnosis 7 years ago. You are a blessing!
So pleased for you dear Kris, what a wonderful news and what a relief! you are a real inspiration and your openness revealing your insecurities and fears makes me feel “normal” (if u know what I mean)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Eva
Hi Kris. Congratulations on your good news!
I am new to your website. I was recently staying in Boston for six weeks for radiation/chemo treatment at Mass General and rode by Dana Farber just about every day! It was tough, but I was so glad to be in Boston – and now the doctors say things are looking good.
Thanks for sharing yourself!
Nancy! That’s such great news! Congrats and welcome to my site. 🙂
I’m so happy for your good news Kris!!! You’ve been such an inspiration to me on my own health journey. I get a scan every year (I’m new to this!) and I feel some fear each time. I’m happy to be part of the CSY community, it helps me feel that I can give myself the best chance for health. Thanks for being you, and I’m so happy you are doing well!
Thank you Anne! And I’m so happy you’re in our CSY community, brava!
Mega congratulations on the stable scan! I’ve been following your story since I was first diagnosed with brain cancer in 2010. You changed my view on the power I have over my health and gave me the courage to live fully despite the grim prognosis I was initially given. “Crazy Sexy Cancer” became my bible. For the first time, I took control over how I was treated and how I treated myself.
“Gassy dragons” is the perfect description of the anxiety felt deep within the gut before a scan. It’s been 9 years of clear scans for me, but that feeling never fails to grip me prior to a scan. It’s a feeling that those who have never received a frightening diagnosis can fully comprehend. My family thinks I’m silly for still fearing the results of my next scan. Thank you for the calming tips.
Dana Farber is also where I was treated. ?
Kris! Gosh, I just love what you said “For the first time, I took control over how I was treated and how I treated myself.” That’s such big medicine, my friend. And I’m so glad these tips helped you. xo
WOOOHOOO! Congrats! You remain such an amazing inspiration to so many people, Kris, including those of us who do not have cancer! I DO catastrophize (that’s the best word) and this blog is a great reminder to Just. Breathe. XOXO
Kris,
I’m am SO happy for you and your fabulous health update! Thank you for sharing
. You are such an inspiration for us all! YOU ROCK, GIRLFRIEND!
Kris, we couldn’t be happier for you!!! Seriously, I’m sitting here with happy tears and a full heart for your news ? What an amazing, incredible journey you’ve been on… Your beautiful grace just continues to inspire. We’ve been part of CSY for 2 years now and are so grateful for the new life you’ve brought to us. We’re not doing everything 100% (progress not perfection ?), but it’s definitely made an incredible impact in our life already, and we continue to strive to make healthier choices. You have such a beautiful spirit, and your meditations have helped more than you’ll ever know. With much love and gratitude ❤️P.S. I should also be thanking Marie for introducing us to you! She’s coming to Chicago on her book tour, and we jumped at the opportunity to go see her… can’t wait!!! Can you come with her ?
Judy! I’m so happy you’re doing so well! Blessings dear one. And I’ll try to sneak into Marie’s luggage and join you there. 🙂