Hiya Gorgeous,
This is a deeply personal blog. In it, I’m sharing an important health update, as well as some hard-earned tips for how to navigate the fear of medical tests and scan anxiety. Though this post is specific to my cancer journey, these tools can be applied to lots of other scary shit pickles. 🙂
A few months ago, I realized that I was overdue for my 2-year CAT scan, blood tests and visit with my oncologist. My first thought was: “Damn it! I don’t have time for this. I’m just too busy.” But I quickly realized that “I’m too busy” is an affirmation. It sends a message to my body that I’m not a priority, my health isn’t important and neither is my life. That message certainly isn’t in alignment with my love for myself or my health goals—I needed to flip the script, posthaste!
So I quickly reached for better thoughts by telling myself that my health and safety are my top priorities, and that nothing would get in the way of me taking care of myself. Then I made self-care accountability a topic on a recent Wellness Wednesday live broadcast. I asked for you to hold me accountable for making and going to these extremely important appointments.
Pssst… I also encouraged you to schedule any health check-ups you’ve been blowing off. Have you done that yet, dear one?
Something I didn’t share during that Wellness Wednesday is that I was very anxious about that appointment. Maybe my heightened emotions were influenced by the fear I have around my dad’s journey with pancreatic cancer and how helpless I feel at times. Or maybe it was because I’ve been feeling some new pains in my rib cage, which had me wondering if my disease had finally spread to my bones. Or perhaps it was that strange lump in my arm that was secretly freaking me the F out.
Or maybe it was that I’d just agreed to some exciting opportunities this fall, and in the back of my mind I was afraid that my disease had finally woken up and become aggressive. That would mean pressing pause and putting my full focus on my health—again.
As you can tell, there’s been a lot of uncertainty swirling around in my mind. While I’m skilled at staying grounded and not catastrophizing, these symptoms and fears put my practice to the test!
That’s the thing about being a cancer patient. Every little ache, pain or sneeze can send you into a tailspin of sweaty worry. And when that happens, we need tools to help diffuse those emotions before they totally take over and spread like a nasty contagion.
So here’s what I did to calm myself down, return to my center and connect with my heart.
When I got to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute for my appointment (yes, the self-care accountability did help!), I hunkered down in the public bathroom (a spiffy place, by the way!) and did two things.
First, I looked in the mirror, stared deeply into my own green eyes and with all the compassion I could muster, I said:
“I love you. I’m here for you. Whatever happens, we’ve got this. We’ll figure it out. I’ve got your back and I always will. I love you.”
Deep breath… And another… And yet another.
I kept breathing and repeating those words over and over again until I could feel the butterflies (no, more like gassy dragons!) in my stomach calm down. And they did.
Second, I started to make a mental list of all the things that are right with me. Sure, I have dozens of tumors in my lungs and liver, a weird pain in my ribs and a strange lump in my arm, but there are so many parts of me that are working exceptionally—including those that are struggling. This simple exercise brought me back to a place of gratitude for all that is working in my life. And when you’re in gratitude, it’s harder to be in anxiety.
The next time you feel out of control or like the floor is about to fall out from under you, try these tips. They may seem hokey or woo-woo, but believe me, these little exercises are powerful soul medicine.
Ok, and now for the news: All is well. Cue the band!
The lump in my arm is a harmless fatty tumor, there’s nothing going on with my rib cage (looks like I pulled a muscle while using my favorite workout app—no further metastasis, I’m just out of shape, lol), and the tumors in my liver and lungs are still stable. Deep sigh… I’ve been living with this strange stage IV sarcoma for more years than I thought I would, and all truly is well.
But there’s more! My oncologist felt confident enough to suggest that I could come back in 3-5 years (I’ve been going every 2 years or more since getting diagnosed). What?! That’s like a lifetime to me. I never thought he’d say something like that or that I could experience that much time (and freedom) between hospital visits. Tears…
In his words, “we’re just thrilled.” After comparing 16 years of scans, the consensus is that even though I still have cancer, I’m well enough and it’s indolent enough to give me more breathing room—and I’ll gratefully take it.
Plus, I also learned that there’s a clinical trial underway for my disease (epithelioid hemangioendothelioma). The first of its kind. So that’s some potential progress for my rare sarcoma and all the patients who live with it—some of whom have a more aggressive form.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to share this news with you all, especially those of you who have followed my journey since the beginning. Though I don’t write about cancer as much as I used to, it’s still always in the background of my mind and it always will be. It continues to teach me, and I continue to define myself by my values, desires, goals and love—not cancer.
Join me on social!
I share simple ways you take impeccable care of yourself—body, mind and soul. Instagram and Facebook. I did a Wellness Wednesday episode on this topic and shared more tips for dealing with health anxiety—check out the replay here!
Thanks again for supporting me, friends. And don’t forget to make your well-being a priority. Book those doctor appointments and do whatever else you need to do. The world needs you (and so do I).
Peace & deep gratitude,
I’m trilled of your good news!!
I’m a 12 year stage 3 ovarian cancer survivor!! I get a yearly checkup with a ca125 blood work, I get a sick feeling every time I go for the blood work ! Soooo I know how you were feeling. It’s always in back of our minds but somehow I always find the strength to put it in the back burner and not let it effect my life!! It’s been an amazing 12 years! More then I could’ve imagined when I was laying in the hospital bed 12 years ago fighting for my life !! Yes, we are beyond blessed!!!
God bless you,
Love you,
Melina
Hi Kris,
I am so thankful that I found your website. I was diagnosed with EHE (liver only) in 2017 and thankfully my scans have also remained stable. I definitely needed to hear your tips for scan anxiety as I go for my next scans on Tuesday. Hearing your experience with EHE gives me so much hope!! Thank you!!
Hi Mariah! EHE, sister. So happy you are doing well and stable! Glad these tips helped. Keep me posted on how you’re doing. 🙂 So much love to you.
I know what you mean about a different/new ache or pain freaking us out. I, too, am a stage IV cancer survivor (mine was colon), and for me it’s been 10-1/2 years now. Whoo Hoo for both of us! Blessings!
Woo hoo, indeed! 🙂
Congratulations Kris! I am very glad for you.
Thank you very much for all you have bring to my life. I send you a lot of love.
I’m just feeling happy with your good news. I’m same age with you, so I feel something special to you and have followed up-dating of your well being. Amazing 16 years + another 30, 40 years…and more. Go for it!
Bid smile,
Hiroko
Thank you for sharing your progress (woot!) and your human-ness, Kris. I appreciate your “time-out” with yourself during an acute flare of worry and anxiety. You reminded me that I could fine-tune my own moments with your story. You inspire me and consistently remind me to love myself. THANK YOU! <3
Thank you, Kristy. And I love to remind you to love your wonderful self. 🙂
So so so glad you’re well, Kris! As a fellow cancer survivor, I also get scan and test anxiety, and really appreciate hearing how you calm yourself when you get anxious. I also calm myself in the public bathroom in the hospital (and in bathrooms in train stations, more often than I usually admit)…thank you for how you inspire us with your honesty. I had just mailed you a personal note (and my book) via snail mail last week to thank you, and I think I forgot to include my email, so am happy to thank you again here!
glad for you
I Love you Kris! Been following you for years. Thank you for everything you do! This one hit home
So needed this. Went through bilat. breast cancer 2 1/2 years ago. Then my oncologist told me I needed a colonoscopy at the age of 64 if she was going to keep treating me. Got the colonoscopy, the doctor perfed my bowl. Found out I needed to have some bowl removed due to positive polyp. Then I retired from critical nursing and started having left hip pain and right arm numbness. Thought the pains were bone cancer. Turns out I have severe spinal stenosis and need two major surgeries. I just knew it had to be bone cancer, but it is not. Thank god! Still need breast spacers removed and the flap procedure done.
Really glad to hear it’s good news! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Zania
Fantastic news! God is not through with you yet. You obviously have more work to do! As a former cancer patient myself, I am thrilled for you. I had breast cancer and just went for MRI of both breasts with and without contrast and I too am pleased to say that I am well. There is no greater news!
Thank you for sharing your stellar news and for being a radiant light force, especially for those of us facing a cancer diagnosis. May your cells vibrate with joy and May your every day be blessed with love.
This update has me doing the happy dance with you! Yay!
A friend of mine suggested I take a look at your blog. Congratulations on your journey. I was diagnosed with leukemia almost 2 years ago. Meditation, prayer and living in gratefulness has kept me in remission. My next step is nutrition – eating healthy is difficult for me but I try. I just started a blog about wellness and beauty. If you are interested the link is below.
So happy to hear this wonderful news. Congratulations! Thank you for writing about your journey. You inspire me so much with your positivity, courage, and loving spirit. Deeply grateful for your presence on this earth and your fine example.
BIG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! God bless & thanks so much for sharing–you are awesome!!
I am so happy for you girl. You inspire us all.
Here is to your health! These news are worth opening up the most expensive bottle of champagne!
Cheers to your health in many years of health and wellness!
Hi Kris, First and foremost, I am over the moon for you! CONGRATULATIONS! I can’t imagine what it feels like for you to get this news! I read this when you first published it. But I wanted to re-read it today, since last night I watched for at least the 3rd time your CSC documentary (I have the DVD), and because I have been re-reading all your books and just recently cover to cover your CSJ book (I posted recently on your YouTube video for the Antioxidant Boost smoothie and you replied! thanks!) Let’s just say I am on a delightful “Kris Carr Binge” as of late! Lol 🙂 I am the one who binge watches your YouTube channel! 🙂 Anyway, to say that I am in AWE of you is an understatement! Every chance I get, I thank my friend who years ago introduced you into my sister’s and my life. I have since shared your books, emails, blogs, videos, story, documentary, etc with countless other friends. You are part of my daily life in many ways. Last night re-watching your documentary, I kept thinking about how strong and vulnerable and beautiful you are, inside and out. And I couldn’t help but think about what a DIVINE GIFT you are to the world. The fact that you took your health into your own hands, and then chose to share your knowledge with others, creating the CSC movement, has literally made the world a better place! You are DIVINE LIGHT and your light gets brighter and brighter with each year. Thank you for sharing your journey so openly with us. Thank you for taking care of yourself so that we can all benefit from this gift that is GORGEOUS YOU! I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished in spite of, despite of and because of your diagnosis. Your GRACE, HUMOR, CHARM, STRENGTH, LIGHTNESS OF BEING, COMPASSION, HUMANENESS, to name a few, are contagious and endearing, and most of all so inspiring (and fun!) I don’t know how else to say it other than: THANK YOU FOR YOU DEAR KRIS! <3 <3 xoxoxoxo
Holding you close to my heart and sending you blessings and love always. Unicorn Speed Ahead Gorgeous! <3 xoxox
People may think that I didn’t have cancer. No, but no matter the illness, when the doctor smiles and says you doing great and to go away, you sit there and think I wasn’t expecting that! Then you go into shock because it had become such a part of your life. Then you celebrate, scream and cry years of joy!