The 7 crucial questions to ask if your sex drive is low
101 Comments
Hiya Gorgeous!
Let’s talk about sex, baby! With a name like Crazy Sexy, you’d think I’d be tackling this topic more often. Media, advertisements, TV and film, magazines, Facebook, billboards—sex is everywhere. But have you ever looked at how sex is portrayed and thought, that sure as heck ain’t happening in my bedroom? Pretty normal, since it’s far from most people’s reality. I know that many of my readers struggle at times with this part of life (I do too!)—whether it’s a lack of desire related to a health issue, exhaustion due to a packed schedule, responsibilities, stress, kids…or depression and sadness that stems from trauma or unresolved issues…the list goes on.
Today I’m kicking off a 2-part series on S-E-X. I want to encourage you to really honor this aspect of your life, whether you have a partner or you’re flying solo. And since sexual desire (our level of attraction to others, pleasurable thoughts, etc) and sex drive (our biological urge to have sex) is often tied to our general health, I brought in my dear friend, Aviva Romm, Integrative MD to answer some questions.
Aviva is a Yale-trained MD and Board Certified family physician, midwife, and herbalist who is focused on helping women not only heal their bodies and minds, but transform their lives. She has worked with countless individuals to help them get on a path to a positive and fulfilling sex life, and now she’s here to help us do the same. In part one we’ll look at the main causes of low sex drive and possible solutions. Next week, we’ll be back with Aviva to go even deeper and reveal some of the foods, herbs and supplements that can help boost your sex drive. Ready? Let’s get started!
KC: Do a lot of women struggle with sex drive?
AR: The numbers may surprise you:
30% of women age 18 – 44
45% of women age 45 – 64
80% of women 65 – 80 (and older)
These sex drive dips are tied to more than just sexual desire. While for most women, lulls in sex drive have to do with the lifestyle issues you mentioned (high demand on personal time that leaves them feeling less than rockin’ in the bedroom) some women experience a lull between the sheets because of something else going on with their health. This can lead to things like lowered libido, difficulty with arousal and trouble orgasming. And once pleasurable sex goes out the window, it tends to make sex drive issues even more challenging to work through because negative associations can pile up from stressful encounters.
KC: What are the top causes of low sex drive?
AR: Keep in mind that low sex drive is not always related to health issues. It could just be that your focus is elsewhere, like an intensely creative project or sending your kids off to college. But there are many common health challenges that can impact sexual health. Here are some of the biggies:
Depression, anxiety
Adrenal fatigue, general fatigue, stress
Hormonal imbalances
Thyroid problems
Medications such as: anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, blood pressure, oral contraceptives, and many others.
Also, these additional issues can have a huge impact on the feelings of sexual desire and satisfaction beyond just sex drive:
Low self-esteem, poor body image
Unhappiness with partner
Pain from anything from vulvodynia and vaginismus to vaginal dryness
IBS/IBD
History of sexual abuse
Urinary incontinence
KC: What are some of the things women can do to improve their sex drive?
AR: One important thing to do is get in touch with whether your sex drive is low or whether you have “Samantha from Sex in the City” expectations about what your drive should be. Are you comparing yourself to others rather than focusing on what makes you and your partner happy? This sex quiz can help you get in touch with your unique sexual health and how to get it on track if needed.
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Sex Quiz Questions & Recommendations:
1. Are there other symptoms that suggest a medical issue? For example, have you been gaining weight in the past few months? Are you more tired than usual? These particular issues could be low thyroid. Hormonal imbalance, blood sugar, and other factors can also affect your sex drive. If you have unexplained symptoms cropping up, book an appointment with your doctor.
2. How’s your relationship with your body? If you’re struggling with body image, you’re not alone. Over 97% of women have body hate thoughts every single day! Working with a therapist or counselor, reading books such as Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent, or the work of Mama Gena, for example, can help you to learn to love and respect your body and yourself.
3. How’s your relationship with your partner, and if you don’t have one, with self-pleasure? Many people are in relationships where their partner may be a little lacking in the giving pleasure department. One of the first steps is being able to speak honestly about this. Another is having strategies to get through the challenge. Check out The American Association of Sex Educators and Therapists‘ (AASECT) list of therapists. Or pick up Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by therapist and midwife Sherri Winston, voted by the AASECT as the best book on discovering women’s sexual pleasure.
4. Are you eating in a way that makes you feel energized, clear-headed and healthy? Low blood sugar, bloating, and feeling irritable aren’t a recipe for getting “in the mood” (and your mood can negatively affect your partner’s as well). Keeping your blood sugar balanced and healing your gut boosts your spirits and gives your sex life a lift!
5. Are you sleeping 7-9 hours per night? Poor sleep affects your sexual desire and drive. If you’re exhausted at the end of the day, sex before bed is probably going to go out the window. Getting more sleep is important for your heart health, mental health, weight—and sex life!
6. Are you taking time for relaxation to replenish your spirit and well-being? I know that when I’m burned out, the thing I want most is time to myself—not canoodling with someone else! Taking time to nourish YOU will put you more in the mood to connect with your partner.
7. Are you making space for romance in your relationship? So often our intimate partnerships become business relationships: “I’ll pick up the kids, you get the takeout.” “I’ll get the dry-cleaning, you take out the dogs.” And so on. We forget that intentional romance is an important and stimulating prelude to satisfying sex. It’s pre-foreplay! Often we’re just waiting for someone else to create romance. But we can do it, too. Think candles, nice scents, strawberries, and chocolate (hint: chocolate triggers the release of serotonin, increasing feelings of relaxation and pleasure).
I hope you’ll take the time to work through Aviva’s sex quiz and embrace some of her phenomenal recommendations. It’s all connected, my friends. When we nurture our sex lives, our entire well-being benefits and vice versa!
Your turn: What’s going on in your sex life? Are you struggling or are you feeling satisfied? Share your thoughts or tips here. We women (and men) never want to feel alone or isolated. Let’s break the taboo and have a good ole honest conversation about sex.
Peace & pillow talk,
P.S. Wanna spice up your plant-empowered cooking skills?
Check out my free digital cooking classroom. 12 lessons. 1.5 hours. Endless delicious possibilities. Chad and I will help you dice, sauté, roast, juice and blend your way to health and confidence in the kitchen.
I have a chronic case of lichen schlerosis, which is a non contagious skin condition down there. It causes the vulva area to be very sore. So when LS acts up, sex can be very painful. Creams help but not 100% any suggestions for you Kris or Aviva?
Hi Pam, I checked in with Aviva and here’s what she had to say:
“Lichen sclerosis is tough to treat but I have seen cases improve by following more of an autoimmune type of protocol because this tends to heal inflammation — so a low-inflammatory diet along with herbs like turmeric (in the form of curcumin) orally, and antioxidants like resveratrol. I combine this with herbal topical treatments for symptom relief, including comfrey and calendula salves. But it’s a bit more complex and is something that you can get more focused help with from a functional or integrative doctor.” – Aviva Romm, MD
Pam,
I too was diagnosed with Lichen Schlerosis in 2008. It was bad, I thought I would never have sex again. I got serious about what I ate and what I put on my body largely thanks to Kris. I followed her crazy sexy diet and saw results immediately. I also basically treated it like an autoimmune disorder. I still have tiny flare ups if my diet and self care get too crazy but I have learned what works to keep inflammation down in my body. I have since had a vaginal birth at home and enjoy an active sex life with my husband. Please hold onto hope and look within yourself and your body for the ability to heal. XOXO
Fabulous in timely article! I will be 50 in June and as a health coach, I know that most of my clients and myself are dealing with many issues in that list. My husband and I do marriage mentoring and one of the topics we teach is a sexually charged marriage bed. But I must say,lately, it takes extra effort to keep myself on purrrr rather than pooped mode! Lol keep up the great work Kris!
Dear Kris,
thank you so much for addressing this topic! I have watched myself loosing my libido over the past 2 years and I am so scared that I will stay like this. At the same time, I had health issues arising, that finally, after 2.5 years, seem to be diagnosed rightly as candida albicans, which makes me have vaginal infections basically all the time, accompanied by vaginal dryness and a loss of excitement. I am 34 years old and I am getting desperate. I so hope that with finally the right treatment of my candida, this will change, but what if not?
All the best, Chris
Here’s some feedback from Aviva. Thanks for your comment!
“Chronic vaginal candida is usually caused by a combination of several factors: high sugar in the diet, gut and vaginal dysbiosis, vaginal dryness due to hormones, and low immune response. The adaptogens are great herbs for building immunity, while a probiotic orally, vaginally, or both which contains L rhamnosis and L reuteri for rebalancing flora, along with a very low glycemic diet can heal this problem. The probiotic can help the vaginal dryness, but if estrogen is really low consider Vitex (chaste berry herb), flax seed, or even a topical estrogen cream. All the best, Aviva Romm, MD”
Hormonal imbalances! I am struggling since my hysterectomy!
I’m 55 & my husband is 70. When we do have sex, it”s great!
But, sometimes I am just exhausted or my head is totally out of whack : /
I’m on an estrogen patch, drink red clover tea, vegan diet, walk 3.2 mile twice a week & water aerobics 2 or 3 times a week! I don’t know how to get my whacky hormones back in balance!!
HELP!!!!!
I have the same thing. I exercise daily in the form of running, yoga, hockey etc and I’m 54. I drink red clover tea, I don’t use the estrogen patch but should I be? I eat veg-aquarian and have recently retired from a high stress career. I’m really finding it hard to get “in the mood”. Please help!
I touched base with Aviva and she agrees that the recommendations in this article would be a great place to start. Plus, stay tuned for the food, herbs and supplements we’re sharing next week in Part 2!
The desire is still there, but due to chemo which pushed my into menopause, my body has dried out from head to toe. Sex is painful! There are very few non-hormonal lubricants and the ones out there have not been very helpful. Open to all suggestions.
I checked in with Aviva on your question—here’s what she had to say:
“The herbs Kris and I will be discussing in part two will probably be super helpful for you. Also, try a vaginal probiotic with L reuteri, L rhamnonus, and get plenty of good quality fats in your diet. Using a rich dollop of coconut oil as a lube during sex and daily can also help.” – Aviva Romm, MD
So glad you are doing an article on sex! My sex drive has been really low for the past few years. I think it’s largely due to weight gain.
However, my husband has about zero sex drive. Any info/advice on that scenario? It’s very frustrating when my libido wakes up and his is still non-existent.
Thanks for your comment! Here’s some extra advice from Aviva:
“That sounds so frustrating. Ok, so first I’d say take a look at the weight gain for you — what’s going on there? Are you doing ok in your marriage? Is the weight gain affecting your own body image in any way? If your husband has also gained weight this can have a really big impact on men’s sex drive so finding a creative way to get on a plan together to get fit can get your drive in harmony! Also, many of the herbs and supplements we’ll be talking about in part 2 next week can be helpful for both of you!’ – Aviva Romm, MD
My body seems to go in spurts and dryness has been an issue since having my second baby 5 years ago. I read coconut oil makes a great lubricant and tried it…LOVE! (Not sure about using it with a condom, tho)
Im 27 years old and I have Autoimmune Hepatitis AND hypothyroidism…a lot going against me. But we are working on it! I think my husband and I are just recently coming around to realizing that im not rejecting him and its not that im not attracted to him! I just lack energy and the drive a lot…and it may have a lot to do with my health.
Great topic! Looking forward to part two! 🙂
Natasha – please read my comment that I just posted. I encourage you to get in touch with a holistic doctor – they are so in touch with the body and starting the healing process from the gut. I hope nothing but the best for you in this journey!
Thank you Nicole for your kind words. I’ve seen a holistic chiropractor before, it was pretty expensive and it doesnt seem like much was accomplished…but ill try someone else. Always willing to look for healthier options rather than taking tons of pills everyday. 🙂
How did you guys manage to communicate that it wasn’t disinterest? My new spouse is convinced I was never that into him and that I me him unattractive, which I attempt to assure him of that to no avail. I know he has low self esteem, but I just haven’t been feeling like Sex. Just the thought of oral sex just seems exhausting to me. Would love your opinions or tips on how to communicate!
Thanks so much for this Kris! I am 31 yrs. old and I have Fibromylagia and just recently found out that I had a very unhealthy gut 🙁 That really is the stem of so many issues. I have been working with a holistic chiropractor for 10 weeks, and have never felt better. I am half way through the process and I can’t believe how much my life has changed already. My pain has been cut in half and my energy is through the roof! I encourage anyone that has autoimmune issues or any types of imbalances, fatigue, etc. to see a holistic doctor. This has been something that has pretty much saved my life, and my marriage!
other than with myself I do not have an intimate sex life and havent for about 4 years. My problem is definitely not lacking in the urge and I am 66. I urge women who think it aint there,to masturbate and learn how to love yourself. Then if you are in a relationship, role over, look at that other person and decide – yes or no, urges or not. Maybe it’s time to have that good old honest relationship talk and if that doesnt work, leave. You owe it to yourself to have happy life and pleasure isnt the whole of it but certainly contributes. And BTW I am a widow and not really ‘looking’ and had a great, healthy sex life with my husband.
Thank you so much Kris & Aviva! I’m a 42 year old, vegan gal who exercises five days a week, but after five years of trying to get pregnant (with no luck), fertility drugs and then early menopause, my sex drive is pretty much nonexistent…I’m taking bioidentical hormones, (estradiol & progesterone), but my drive is still really low. I’ve just added testosterone and a vaginal cream to the mix, so hopefully that will help. My husband also has a really low sex drive, (he’s 43) so I’m going to encourage him to have his testosterone checked as well. Having a low sex drive, going through early menopause and my husband’s low sex drive can be really hard on a gal’s self esteem too…
Here’s some advice from Aviva about your comment. Hope this helps. 🙂
“Truth be told, if you are exercising a lot, are on the slim side, and maybe not getting the optimal nutrition your body needs from food (not enough fats, low iron, low essential fats) your body will think — wow, I don’t have enough of what I need for me, so there’s definitely not enough to spare for baby — and this can make fertility tough. Sometimes getting some fat helps your sex drive and fertility get their groove on. With your guy, I’d see to him having a basic physical, making sure his weight is optimal, fatigue and stress in check — all the things that can get in the way of sex drive. And then for you on the herbal side – vitex has been shown to boost fertility and can forestall menopause in some women long enough to achieve a pregnancy.” – Aviva Romm, MD
Hi there, for hormonal imbalances flax seed and Maca has really made a difference for me. After 2 weeks of having Maca in my vegan smoothie, vaginal dryness was gone and sex drive improved a lot. A healthy diet is very important which at the same time helps with the emotional part.
Much light to you all 🙂
Hello,
Always nice talking about sex and bringing as more information as possible to women (and men).
I usually don’t post comments online, but this time I feel compelled to do so, and I have a very strong reason for that.
I found everything right in this blog, but I can’t believe that the psychological issues, which are the real culprits that can have a real negative effect on people’s sexuality are mentioned here as “these additional (and still significant) issues … “. Only an illness can be worse than:
Low self-esteem, poor body image
Unhappiness with partner
History of sexual abuse
Hi Marise: Our intent was not to undermine seriousness of these issues for many people. To clarify, the first list relates to what Aviva has found to be the most common health challenges associated with low sex drive. The second list includes issues that may not be as common, but are in no way less serious or challenging. I hope that helps to clear up any misunderstanding. Best, kc
Thank you so much Kris for this wonderful article!
My sex drive has been going down a cliff for several years now. I am 34 years old and have been taking oral contraceptives since I was 17. I stop using them last August when I was diagnosed with TNBC. So on top of that, my husband and I have 2 toddlers (4 and 2), 2 rabbits and a cat! My hands a pretty full and we leave sex at night time when kids are asleep and our day is over. But by that time it’s around 10-10:30pm and I am exahusted and I sometimes hope he is too. Fortunately he is not. And I say fortunatley because I know that the day he “passes” on sex I will not only miss it, but will feel self councious. It’s hard for me to have an orgasm and I really have to be telling myself that I want it in order to achieve it. Now once I have one, I can easily have 3-4 more in less than 5 min! But it’s getting to that first one that’s the hard part. My mind travels a lot! And when we are having sex I find myself thinking about stupid &:(*! rather than enjoying the time with my husband. He is such a giver! But I tend to push him away. For example he will be kissing me near my arm pit and immedialty I am thinking “please don’t get close to the arm pit! I don’t know if it smells!”. And after that my mind just wonders off.
Any suggestions for this nut?
Thank you in advance! ❤️
I second this question! I have a 28 month old and an 11 month old. My hubs and I work 12 hour days with more days off, but our days “off” are ON with the kids and only sometimes coincide. We definitely have become more business partners and we don’t have the time or energy for romance though definitely the desire. We can barely do laundry or make dinner! I’m hoping when the kids get older it’ll be easier but this life is getting stressful and depressing! And yes I’m on Wellbutrin but it’s only helping partially. Am I doomed to just wait it out?
Can lack of desire be caused by a C-section? I had one over two years ago and ever since then I have had zero desire. I am 42 years old so I don’t know if my age is also a reason for a declining libido. I cannot make my husband understand that I want to be intimate with him because I love him, but I just don’t have sexual feelings or thoughts anymore. I think my marriage may be in jeopardy because of this issue.
Hi Monika: Thank you for sharing your experience. Here’s some input from Aviva:
“Oh, so sorry you’re going through a hard time in your marriage — that’s not easy. Well, I’m not so sure that a cesarean itself can cause low desire, but having a baby is one of the most common reasons for just not feeling in the mood. Babies and toddlers are wonderful and cute and lovable but wow — exhausting, too. So if all of our energy is going into a little one, and we’re not getting replenished, sometimes there’s just not enough to give someone else. Also, low thyroid in new moms, even 2 years out, is a super commonly missed problem that can lead to low libido. Postpartum depression can last for a long time, too, and can cause low libido — and a birth that was in any way traumatic, or led to a large amount of blood loss — can also cause low libido.” – Aviva Romm, MD
Thanks Kris and Aviva! I really appreciate you pointing out how body image can also affect your sex life! Self-affirmations are something I’ve been working on lately to help improve my own body image and thus improve my sex life as well! We all are beautiful and are WORTHY and DESERVING of giving and receiving pleasure!
Thank you both for confirming what I had been suspecting all along with respect to my waning libido. After chemo and radiation for estrogen receptor positive breast cancer almost 8 years ago, I am still not officially in menopause and I am miserable so much of the time. Weight gain, brain fog, low thyroid, vaginal dryness, little or no desire for sex, lichen sclerosis, joint pain, etc. I have an appointment with a holistic MD next week and I cannot wait to see her as I believe she will have some answers and help for me. I’m looking forward to your post next week and I hope you will suggest some alternatives for those of us who need to stay away from estrogen or herbs that behave like estrogen. Thanks again!
Hi, Kris,
I’ve been having an issue with drive since my son was born in 2013. He was delivered by c-section, since he decided he was having fun in there and was caught up in his cord (feet, body and neck)! I used to have such a strong drive. Now it takes everything to just “rev” up to have the desire to. Anything Aviva can suggest. I do know part of it is because of weight I’m still trying to shed (about 25 lbs). But I downloaded Crazy, Sexy, Diet and have been trying to follow it 80, 20.
Thanks again! Again, this came at the right time.
Jenn
Thanks so much for your post! I’m relieved that I’m not the only one having these struggles. I am 33 years old and I’ve always had difficulty with getting enough vaginal lubrication going. (I became sexually active later in life than most, only for about 8 years.) I’ve also had digestive issues for about 15 years, which have varied in severity over the years and tried countless things with little consistently working. Anyways I’ve been engaged for a couple years and my partner is very understanding of my vaginal dryness but it has lowered his sexual attraction towards me. We use natural lubricants when we do have sex but it is not often. He doesn’t enjoy sex that much when we always have to use lube, sometimes several times during sex. Do you think my dryness is related to my digestive issues or sex hormone imbalances or both? I had my sex hormones checked about 6 years ago and they were fine, but might have changed since. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks again!
Hi Sarah: Aviva passed along some suggestions to me for you. Here ya go! xo
“Wow, this sounds like a really tough double whammy for you. Digestive issues definitely affect the vaginal flora, too. In fact, I am working on a new online course about this very topic — it will be ready sometime later in the year — because I’ve treated it in so many women patients. Which means for sure, you’re not alone! One of the most effective treatments I’ve found is an oral and vaginal probiotic, both used daily, to rebalance the flora. I’ve been amazed how this has helped with chronic vaginal dryness. You want to make sure the product has both Lactobacillus rhamnosus and reuteri. Also, take fish oil daily if you’re not vegan (alternative source: DHA and/or EPA—Plant-based Omega-3s), and get plenty of high quality fats in your diet — up to 2 TBS daily of oiive oil, some avocado, and coconut oil. Ok, and as for your partner — if he’s not getting turned on, he’s probably not making the effort to turn you on, and that can dial down your getting juicy even further. And on top of that, if you’re stressed about the whole situation, that can add to the problem. So I suggest doing a deep dive to make sure you’re happy in that relationship — is this guy really turning you on in other ways? The group AASECT is a professional organization of sex educators, therapists and counselors that has members all over the US who provide consultations — and this might be helpful for both of you.” – Aviva Romm, MD
I am 54 and my libido is completely gone. Huge change from how I felt pre-menopause and sex now is incredibly painful, no matter how much foreplay is involved. I have tried various vaginal suppositories and creams and now am using Estring, which is helping the dryness issue only marginally. I hate that my husband has to use a lubricant as it really interrupts the whole process and is messy, etc., so it really kills the mood. I now dread sex because 1) it’s so painful, 2) it’s not like it used to be, i.e. hardly ever reach orgasm, 3) it’s frustrating to both of us. I exercise daily and am very active, and eat well (pescatarian diet). Is there any hope for me?
Hi Sharon: Here’s some helpful advice from Aviva. xo! kc
“There’s hope! I’d check out Christiane Northrup’s book Goddesses Never Age because a positive reframe on our own bodies as women staying juicy and vibrant is so important. Also, in part two if this article, Kris and I talk about herbal and nutritional supplements that can help a ton (coming next week!), in addition to using the probiotics I mention a few times in the comments. Increase your dietary fats, play around with some natural lubes made from coconut oil and cocoa butter (in other words, they are edible!) and definitely focus on the foods and supplements in part 2 of this series that help nitric oxide release to enhance orgasm. Give the estrogen some time, too.” – Aviva Romm, MD
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I have a chronic case of lichen schlerosis, which is a non contagious skin condition down there. It causes the vulva area to be very sore. So when LS acts up, sex can be very painful. Creams help but not 100% any suggestions for you Kris or Aviva?
Hi Pam, I checked in with Aviva and here’s what she had to say:
“Lichen sclerosis is tough to treat but I have seen cases improve by following more of an autoimmune type of protocol because this tends to heal inflammation — so a low-inflammatory diet along with herbs like turmeric (in the form of curcumin) orally, and antioxidants like resveratrol. I combine this with herbal topical treatments for symptom relief, including comfrey and calendula salves. But it’s a bit more complex and is something that you can get more focused help with from a functional or integrative doctor.” – Aviva Romm, MD
Pam,
I too was diagnosed with Lichen Schlerosis in 2008. It was bad, I thought I would never have sex again. I got serious about what I ate and what I put on my body largely thanks to Kris. I followed her crazy sexy diet and saw results immediately. I also basically treated it like an autoimmune disorder. I still have tiny flare ups if my diet and self care get too crazy but I have learned what works to keep inflammation down in my body. I have since had a vaginal birth at home and enjoy an active sex life with my husband. Please hold onto hope and look within yourself and your body for the ability to heal. XOXO
Fabulous in timely article! I will be 50 in June and as a health coach, I know that most of my clients and myself are dealing with many issues in that list. My husband and I do marriage mentoring and one of the topics we teach is a sexually charged marriage bed. But I must say,lately, it takes extra effort to keep myself on purrrr rather than pooped mode! Lol keep up the great work Kris!
So happy this resonates with you! xo, kc
Dear Kris,
thank you so much for addressing this topic! I have watched myself loosing my libido over the past 2 years and I am so scared that I will stay like this. At the same time, I had health issues arising, that finally, after 2.5 years, seem to be diagnosed rightly as candida albicans, which makes me have vaginal infections basically all the time, accompanied by vaginal dryness and a loss of excitement. I am 34 years old and I am getting desperate. I so hope that with finally the right treatment of my candida, this will change, but what if not?
All the best, Chris
Hi Chris,
Here’s some feedback from Aviva. Thanks for your comment!
“Chronic vaginal candida is usually caused by a combination of several factors: high sugar in the diet, gut and vaginal dysbiosis, vaginal dryness due to hormones, and low immune response. The adaptogens are great herbs for building immunity, while a probiotic orally, vaginally, or both which contains L rhamnosis and L reuteri for rebalancing flora, along with a very low glycemic diet can heal this problem. The probiotic can help the vaginal dryness, but if estrogen is really low consider Vitex (chaste berry herb), flax seed, or even a topical estrogen cream. All the best, Aviva Romm, MD”
Thank you so much, Kris, for taking the time to read my post, checking in and providing such great advice for me. You are such a star! XX
Hormonal imbalances! I am struggling since my hysterectomy!
I’m 55 & my husband is 70. When we do have sex, it”s great!
But, sometimes I am just exhausted or my head is totally out of whack : /
I’m on an estrogen patch, drink red clover tea, vegan diet, walk 3.2 mile twice a week & water aerobics 2 or 3 times a week! I don’t know how to get my whacky hormones back in balance!!
HELP!!!!!
I have the same thing. I exercise daily in the form of running, yoga, hockey etc and I’m 54. I drink red clover tea, I don’t use the estrogen patch but should I be? I eat veg-aquarian and have recently retired from a high stress career. I’m really finding it hard to get “in the mood”. Please help!
Hi Jeannie,
I touched base with Aviva and she agrees that the recommendations in this article would be a great place to start. Plus, stay tuned for the food, herbs and supplements we’re sharing next week in Part 2!
xo, kc
Thank you SO MUCH for this!!!
You bet! 🙂
The desire is still there, but due to chemo which pushed my into menopause, my body has dried out from head to toe. Sex is painful! There are very few non-hormonal lubricants and the ones out there have not been very helpful. Open to all suggestions.
Have you heard of ASAP Gel by Swanson, or Scream Cream? Both of these may be a helpful option for you. I hope so! XO shell
Hi Dora,
I checked in with Aviva on your question—here’s what she had to say:
“The herbs Kris and I will be discussing in part two will probably be super helpful for you. Also, try a vaginal probiotic with L reuteri, L rhamnonus, and get plenty of good quality fats in your diet. Using a rich dollop of coconut oil as a lube during sex and daily can also help.” – Aviva Romm, MD
So glad you are doing an article on sex! My sex drive has been really low for the past few years. I think it’s largely due to weight gain.
However, my husband has about zero sex drive. Any info/advice on that scenario? It’s very frustrating when my libido wakes up and his is still non-existent.
Hi Rebecca,
Thanks for your comment! Here’s some extra advice from Aviva:
“That sounds so frustrating. Ok, so first I’d say take a look at the weight gain for you — what’s going on there? Are you doing ok in your marriage? Is the weight gain affecting your own body image in any way? If your husband has also gained weight this can have a really big impact on men’s sex drive so finding a creative way to get on a plan together to get fit can get your drive in harmony! Also, many of the herbs and supplements we’ll be talking about in part 2 next week can be helpful for both of you!’ – Aviva Romm, MD
Like others here, vaginal dryness/pain can be an issue. Any recommendations for a natural lubricant? Thanks!
My body seems to go in spurts and dryness has been an issue since having my second baby 5 years ago. I read coconut oil makes a great lubricant and tried it…LOVE! (Not sure about using it with a condom, tho)
Coconut oil!!
Coconut Oil is the best! I recommend it to everybody.
Im 27 years old and I have Autoimmune Hepatitis AND hypothyroidism…a lot going against me. But we are working on it! I think my husband and I are just recently coming around to realizing that im not rejecting him and its not that im not attracted to him! I just lack energy and the drive a lot…and it may have a lot to do with my health.
Great topic! Looking forward to part two! 🙂
Awesome job communicating with your husband, Natasha! So important. xo, kc
Natasha – please read my comment that I just posted. I encourage you to get in touch with a holistic doctor – they are so in touch with the body and starting the healing process from the gut. I hope nothing but the best for you in this journey!
Thank you Nicole for your kind words. I’ve seen a holistic chiropractor before, it was pretty expensive and it doesnt seem like much was accomplished…but ill try someone else. Always willing to look for healthier options rather than taking tons of pills everyday. 🙂
How did you guys manage to communicate that it wasn’t disinterest? My new spouse is convinced I was never that into him and that I me him unattractive, which I attempt to assure him of that to no avail. I know he has low self esteem, but I just haven’t been feeling like Sex. Just the thought of oral sex just seems exhausting to me. Would love your opinions or tips on how to communicate!
Thanks so much for this Kris! I am 31 yrs. old and I have Fibromylagia and just recently found out that I had a very unhealthy gut 🙁 That really is the stem of so many issues. I have been working with a holistic chiropractor for 10 weeks, and have never felt better. I am half way through the process and I can’t believe how much my life has changed already. My pain has been cut in half and my energy is through the roof! I encourage anyone that has autoimmune issues or any types of imbalances, fatigue, etc. to see a holistic doctor. This has been something that has pretty much saved my life, and my marriage!
So happy to hear that, Nicole! Thank you for sharing—you’re an inspiration. 🙂 kc
other than with myself I do not have an intimate sex life and havent for about 4 years. My problem is definitely not lacking in the urge and I am 66. I urge women who think it aint there,to masturbate and learn how to love yourself. Then if you are in a relationship, role over, look at that other person and decide – yes or no, urges or not. Maybe it’s time to have that good old honest relationship talk and if that doesnt work, leave. You owe it to yourself to have happy life and pleasure isnt the whole of it but certainly contributes. And BTW I am a widow and not really ‘looking’ and had a great, healthy sex life with my husband.
Thank you so much Kris & Aviva! I’m a 42 year old, vegan gal who exercises five days a week, but after five years of trying to get pregnant (with no luck), fertility drugs and then early menopause, my sex drive is pretty much nonexistent…I’m taking bioidentical hormones, (estradiol & progesterone), but my drive is still really low. I’ve just added testosterone and a vaginal cream to the mix, so hopefully that will help. My husband also has a really low sex drive, (he’s 43) so I’m going to encourage him to have his testosterone checked as well. Having a low sex drive, going through early menopause and my husband’s low sex drive can be really hard on a gal’s self esteem too…
Hi Rachel,
Here’s some advice from Aviva about your comment. Hope this helps. 🙂
“Truth be told, if you are exercising a lot, are on the slim side, and maybe not getting the optimal nutrition your body needs from food (not enough fats, low iron, low essential fats) your body will think — wow, I don’t have enough of what I need for me, so there’s definitely not enough to spare for baby — and this can make fertility tough. Sometimes getting some fat helps your sex drive and fertility get their groove on. With your guy, I’d see to him having a basic physical, making sure his weight is optimal, fatigue and stress in check — all the things that can get in the way of sex drive. And then for you on the herbal side – vitex has been shown to boost fertility and can forestall menopause in some women long enough to achieve a pregnancy.” – Aviva Romm, MD
Hi there, for hormonal imbalances flax seed and Maca has really made a difference for me. After 2 weeks of having Maca in my vegan smoothie, vaginal dryness was gone and sex drive improved a lot. A healthy diet is very important which at the same time helps with the emotional part.
Much light to you all 🙂
Hello,
Always nice talking about sex and bringing as more information as possible to women (and men).
I usually don’t post comments online, but this time I feel compelled to do so, and I have a very strong reason for that.
I found everything right in this blog, but I can’t believe that the psychological issues, which are the real culprits that can have a real negative effect on people’s sexuality are mentioned here as “these additional (and still significant) issues … “. Only an illness can be worse than:
Low self-esteem, poor body image
Unhappiness with partner
History of sexual abuse
Hi Marise: Our intent was not to undermine seriousness of these issues for many people. To clarify, the first list relates to what Aviva has found to be the most common health challenges associated with low sex drive. The second list includes issues that may not be as common, but are in no way less serious or challenging. I hope that helps to clear up any misunderstanding. Best, kc
Thank you so much Kris for this wonderful article!
My sex drive has been going down a cliff for several years now. I am 34 years old and have been taking oral contraceptives since I was 17. I stop using them last August when I was diagnosed with TNBC. So on top of that, my husband and I have 2 toddlers (4 and 2), 2 rabbits and a cat! My hands a pretty full and we leave sex at night time when kids are asleep and our day is over. But by that time it’s around 10-10:30pm and I am exahusted and I sometimes hope he is too. Fortunately he is not. And I say fortunatley because I know that the day he “passes” on sex I will not only miss it, but will feel self councious. It’s hard for me to have an orgasm and I really have to be telling myself that I want it in order to achieve it. Now once I have one, I can easily have 3-4 more in less than 5 min! But it’s getting to that first one that’s the hard part. My mind travels a lot! And when we are having sex I find myself thinking about stupid &:(*! rather than enjoying the time with my husband. He is such a giver! But I tend to push him away. For example he will be kissing me near my arm pit and immedialty I am thinking “please don’t get close to the arm pit! I don’t know if it smells!”. And after that my mind just wonders off.
Any suggestions for this nut?
Thank you in advance! ❤️
I second this question! I have a 28 month old and an 11 month old. My hubs and I work 12 hour days with more days off, but our days “off” are ON with the kids and only sometimes coincide. We definitely have become more business partners and we don’t have the time or energy for romance though definitely the desire. We can barely do laundry or make dinner! I’m hoping when the kids get older it’ll be easier but this life is getting stressful and depressing! And yes I’m on Wellbutrin but it’s only helping partially. Am I doomed to just wait it out?
Can lack of desire be caused by a C-section? I had one over two years ago and ever since then I have had zero desire. I am 42 years old so I don’t know if my age is also a reason for a declining libido. I cannot make my husband understand that I want to be intimate with him because I love him, but I just don’t have sexual feelings or thoughts anymore. I think my marriage may be in jeopardy because of this issue.
Hi Monika: Thank you for sharing your experience. Here’s some input from Aviva:
“Oh, so sorry you’re going through a hard time in your marriage — that’s not easy. Well, I’m not so sure that a cesarean itself can cause low desire, but having a baby is one of the most common reasons for just not feeling in the mood. Babies and toddlers are wonderful and cute and lovable but wow — exhausting, too. So if all of our energy is going into a little one, and we’re not getting replenished, sometimes there’s just not enough to give someone else. Also, low thyroid in new moms, even 2 years out, is a super commonly missed problem that can lead to low libido. Postpartum depression can last for a long time, too, and can cause low libido — and a birth that was in any way traumatic, or led to a large amount of blood loss — can also cause low libido.” – Aviva Romm, MD
Thanks Kris and Aviva! I really appreciate you pointing out how body image can also affect your sex life! Self-affirmations are something I’ve been working on lately to help improve my own body image and thus improve my sex life as well! We all are beautiful and are WORTHY and DESERVING of giving and receiving pleasure!
Thank you both for confirming what I had been suspecting all along with respect to my waning libido. After chemo and radiation for estrogen receptor positive breast cancer almost 8 years ago, I am still not officially in menopause and I am miserable so much of the time. Weight gain, brain fog, low thyroid, vaginal dryness, little or no desire for sex, lichen sclerosis, joint pain, etc. I have an appointment with a holistic MD next week and I cannot wait to see her as I believe she will have some answers and help for me. I’m looking forward to your post next week and I hope you will suggest some alternatives for those of us who need to stay away from estrogen or herbs that behave like estrogen. Thanks again!
Hi, Kris,
I’ve been having an issue with drive since my son was born in 2013. He was delivered by c-section, since he decided he was having fun in there and was caught up in his cord (feet, body and neck)! I used to have such a strong drive. Now it takes everything to just “rev” up to have the desire to. Anything Aviva can suggest. I do know part of it is because of weight I’m still trying to shed (about 25 lbs). But I downloaded Crazy, Sexy, Diet and have been trying to follow it 80, 20.
Thanks again! Again, this came at the right time.
Jenn
Thanks so much for your post! I’m relieved that I’m not the only one having these struggles. I am 33 years old and I’ve always had difficulty with getting enough vaginal lubrication going. (I became sexually active later in life than most, only for about 8 years.) I’ve also had digestive issues for about 15 years, which have varied in severity over the years and tried countless things with little consistently working. Anyways I’ve been engaged for a couple years and my partner is very understanding of my vaginal dryness but it has lowered his sexual attraction towards me. We use natural lubricants when we do have sex but it is not often. He doesn’t enjoy sex that much when we always have to use lube, sometimes several times during sex. Do you think my dryness is related to my digestive issues or sex hormone imbalances or both? I had my sex hormones checked about 6 years ago and they were fine, but might have changed since. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks again!
Hi Sarah: Aviva passed along some suggestions to me for you. Here ya go! xo
“Wow, this sounds like a really tough double whammy for you. Digestive issues definitely affect the vaginal flora, too. In fact, I am working on a new online course about this very topic — it will be ready sometime later in the year — because I’ve treated it in so many women patients. Which means for sure, you’re not alone! One of the most effective treatments I’ve found is an oral and vaginal probiotic, both used daily, to rebalance the flora. I’ve been amazed how this has helped with chronic vaginal dryness. You want to make sure the product has both Lactobacillus rhamnosus and reuteri. Also, take fish oil daily if you’re not vegan (alternative source: DHA and/or EPA—Plant-based Omega-3s), and get plenty of high quality fats in your diet — up to 2 TBS daily of oiive oil, some avocado, and coconut oil. Ok, and as for your partner — if he’s not getting turned on, he’s probably not making the effort to turn you on, and that can dial down your getting juicy even further. And on top of that, if you’re stressed about the whole situation, that can add to the problem. So I suggest doing a deep dive to make sure you’re happy in that relationship — is this guy really turning you on in other ways? The group AASECT is a professional organization of sex educators, therapists and counselors that has members all over the US who provide consultations — and this might be helpful for both of you.” – Aviva Romm, MD
I am 54 and my libido is completely gone. Huge change from how I felt pre-menopause and sex now is incredibly painful, no matter how much foreplay is involved. I have tried various vaginal suppositories and creams and now am using Estring, which is helping the dryness issue only marginally. I hate that my husband has to use a lubricant as it really interrupts the whole process and is messy, etc., so it really kills the mood. I now dread sex because 1) it’s so painful, 2) it’s not like it used to be, i.e. hardly ever reach orgasm, 3) it’s frustrating to both of us. I exercise daily and am very active, and eat well (pescatarian diet). Is there any hope for me?
Hi Sharon: Here’s some helpful advice from Aviva. xo! kc
“There’s hope! I’d check out Christiane Northrup’s book Goddesses Never Age because a positive reframe on our own bodies as women staying juicy and vibrant is so important. Also, in part two if this article, Kris and I talk about herbal and nutritional supplements that can help a ton (coming next week!), in addition to using the probiotics I mention a few times in the comments. Increase your dietary fats, play around with some natural lubes made from coconut oil and cocoa butter (in other words, they are edible!) and definitely focus on the foods and supplements in part 2 of this series that help nitric oxide release to enhance orgasm. Give the estrogen some time, too.” – Aviva Romm, MD