Hiya Gorgeous,
We all have a deep-rooted calling to feel happy. To love ourselves unconditionally and to embrace all the nooks and crannies that make us unique.
For me, that means knowing that I need peace of mind like I need oxygen. I need unstructured time like I need water. Contentment and less stress boost my immune system more than green juice.
And yet I often get lost in my to-do list, complain about too many commitments and align myself with people who give me more headaches than joy. I’ve caught myself saying things like, “once I’m over this hump I’ll have more breathing room.” But here’s the thing about humps: There’s always another one on the next hillside. And humps hump. Yes, you read that correctly. They breed like rabbits!
I don’t know about you, but sometimes my mouth moves before my brain thinks. And as we all know, words are powerful. So as part of my peace-of-mind plan, I’ve decided to examine my language. Especially the use of the following words: Sorry. No. Thank you.
Harmless, helpful words, right? Yet their misuse can slowly drain our self-worth, damage our relationships and cause us to take on misplaced responsibility, while also watering down their meanings. Consciousness takes practice, so let’s dive in.
Sorry.
There are right times to be sincerely sorry, without question. A meaningful and complete apology is true heart medicine, a 1000-mg dose. And it’s our job to supply it when we mess up. Doing so helps us both.
But there are also unnecessary times to apologize, like when you catch yourself handing out knee-jerk sorrys for who you are, the dreams you have for your life, or for not being able to give more than you have without depleting your own precious energy reserves.
Remember, while it’s super important to be compassionate and keep your side of the street clean, what other people think of you is ultimately none of your business (at least that’s what my therapist tells me, lol!). You can’t please everyone. So for me, it’s important to own my mistakes, but not take on other people’s stuff that has nothing to do with me. And to speak my truth when needed, rather than just trying to apologize my discomfort away.
Here are some examples of times I’ve apologized for no reason…
- When I was afraid to ask for what I needed.
- When I had to make a boundary but I was really uncomfortable.
- When I needed to stand up for myself or the people (and animals) I love.
- When I was vulnerable and put my desires out there.
- When I said no to the telemarketer who repeatedly called (during dinner—even when I asked to be taken off the list).
Sorry slip-up flashback:
When I launched KrisCarr.com, a disgruntled reader let me know that not only did she not like my new design, she also didn’t like my smile. Huh? In her mind, my site was too flashy, and I had no business advertising my own books (perhaps she works for free, but I can’t). As for my smile, it was way too big and therefore not authentic. Naturally I was hurt and pissed! Unnaturally I responded with something like “I’m so sorry you feel that way, I am proud of my new website and the work I do.” While I’ve always responded to negativity by either taking full responsibility when needed, ignoring it or blasting it with a fire hose of sunshine, did I have to say sorry? No. Was I sorry? Heck NO. No need to apologize. Oh, and did I stop smiling that day? Nope! Ain’t gonna happen. 🙂
Sorry isn’t a band-aid or a replacement for a backbone.
Sorry isn’t a way to keep the peace at the expense of your self-respect or well-being.There’s a difference between true remorse and a fear of being judged. Sweet friend, don’t say sorry if there’s nothing to be sorry for. Because I don’t know about you, but when I mindlessly vomit apologies, I’m often left feeling like a powerless doormat. Yuck. Get off the floor.
No.
I know that many of you can relate to this next one. It’s something I still struggle with, big time. I have a long history of not of saying no when I need to and instead turning my life into a constipated pretzel with an automatic yes response.
I’ve said yes when I should have said no because…
- I hate to let people down.
- I want everyone to be happy.
- I underestimate how long projects will take, and I fail to prioritize my time.
- I disregard my health and think I have more energy than I actually do.
- I forget that my needs matter—that I matter as much as the other person.
Naughty no-no flashback:
Once upon a time, I agreed to a speaking engagement on a cruise ship. Sounds breezy, right? Not for me. I get extreme vertigo on big boats that can last for months afterwards. So why on earth did I say yes? Several reasons, but mostly because the folks asking me were painfully pushy. They were strong about what they wanted, but was I? I wiggled. I put the answer off as long as I could but eventually caved and said yes. Then I immediately started to panic. How would I get through 10 days of physical pain? Answer: I couldn’t! A month later I finally mustered a no and pulled out of the gig. Of course, by waiting I caused undue stress for all. If I had been upfront and able to put my needs first, I would have saved us both a lot of grief. Lesson learned.
Saying yes can feel good, and often comes from a positive place. It means we care about other people, want to do good things and spread happiness in the world. It means we’re optimistic and believe in our abilities. Sadly, though, few of us can make every dream match the reality of only 24 hours in a day. As my brilliant bestie Marie Forleo has said, “Get on the No Train,” choo choo! While this may seem like obvious advice, how often are we consistent No Train conductors?
You can’t always “yes” your way out of a problem.
Think about my example. Mindlessly agreeing may temporarily avoid discomfort, but it’s often short-sighted and even lazy. Instead of setting a boundary, we slip into “yes” amnesia, forgetting we’ve been here before. In this delusional state, there’s unlimited time, superhuman energy and a gaggle of soul-nannies who keep us fed, bathed and exercised. Sober up, dear one! (I’m speaking to myself too.) Splash yourself with cold water and (gently) slap your cheek. If you’re worried about scarcity, let that go. Offers and opportunities will continue.
Remember that every unwanted yes takes you one step further from freedom, well-being, and time with yourself and loved ones. And every no leaves room for something glorious.
Hi Kris!!! I’m so happy you wrote this article. It was very timely (for other as well I’m sure). I have been going through a very difficult time and I have to say that every time I click onto your website your smile makes me smile, so that lady was VERY wrong. 🙂 I think you seem to be one of the most genuine people out there…you are so uplifting but your honesty is also very refreshing and inspiring on it’s own. I love it when you share stories about “oops” moments. It makes you seem like a very enlightened, but still human friend I can call up. Not really…I won’t really call you. 🙂 But you know what I mean. Thank you for being you. You rock.
Many thanks to thoughtful you for writing such a touching, tough-love, and wake up and smell the green juice post! I often vow to take a stand with these types of boundaries but my nature is to allow the boundaries to blur and the old me (ie doormat) comes creeping back in. I soooooo needed this right now as I am dealing with an acquaintance that is one of those black holes of neediness and no matter how much of myself I give, it’s never enough. Thanks Kris!
Yes..guilty on all accounts. I noticed that about me recently and you are right, it makes me feel bad not good. I have been practicing the the “No Train” and it feels so good! I try to remember to think before I speak with this nod thing that I do and it helps me collect my thoughts 🙂
México: read, think and do it! Say no isnt a sin
Kris,
Your words resonate the truth ,within your words, to myself. Thank you, Carma
Thanks, Y’all are wonderful people. <3
Kris,
First of all, you are such a terrific writer. You have a very accessible style and voice while keeping the content relevant. I see by this article that you were also an actor and dancer – clearly you have many gifts on which to call.
I am home taking a ‘completely bonked out’ day (not a sick day), and came upon this article. I chuckled out loud (perhaps that’s a COL rather than a LOL) as I suspected you were holding a mirror up to my life.
Well, point taken. I needed that. THANKS so much!
Brenda
I’m confused about what to say instead of Sorry in situations similar to the first example. I’m a high school teacher, and I frequently do and say things that trigger my students (sometimes as basic as telling them to stop talking when I am). I truly am sorry that they feel so triggered, and I want them to feel heard and loved and validated, but I don’t want to apologize for myself. What can I say instead?
This is fabulous, Kris. You’ve used 5 of the ‘7 Words’ we focus on in our system – No, (Hello,) Thanks, (Goodbye,) Please, Sorry & Yes. Love “peace and proper vocabulary”!
I thought you might be interested in the 7 words idea – that these simple 7 words: No Hello Thanks Goodbye Please Sorry and Yes are often misused and yet point to the most important principles for a good life.
Thank you for the authentic sharing, the much needed laugh at myself, and the introspection that is bound to follow …
As the saying goes “behind every behaviour, there’s a positive intention”. We all have behaviours that don’t serve us, and often skip over recognizing the payoff and lesson behind the behaviour. Oh the growth that could come from embracing them, re-framing them, and accepting our new empowered selves.
Excuse me while I simmer in this inquiry for a moment LOL!
I am thrilled to have discovered you Kris (thank you IIN)!
Your newest (South African) fan,
Whanadi
Brilliant thoughts, brilliantly said. I love how you mentioned our use of language (and treatment of ourselves) is part of our spiritual journey. I completely relate. The more tuned-in we are, the more balanced and authentically present we are with others. Love you!
Yes! I resonate so much. I remember getting so mad at my partner when he didn’t say thank you, until I realised that gratitude wasn’t just an auto response to something.
Our words are so powerful and these 3 phrases in particular can allow us to let go and manifest beautiful and wonderful things or leave us with that “I wasn’t being genuine, auto response because it’s polite but I now feel like I lied” hangover! Does anyone else feel like that sometimes?
Kris, I have recently discovered your blog and love it! You are an inspiration and motivational in my life.
Thank you.
Love and Light,
Jen x
I really enjoyed reading your article as saying ‘thank you’ is a huge problem with me. I say it far too much, I sound ridiculous even to myself. 🙁 I had the same problem with ‘sorry’ and made a conscious effort to change that, which, for the most part is now a good habit. Its very comforting to know I’m not the only one working on this issue. x
Love you Kris and your website and your smile! Hee hee! Thank you for being you and for bringing a smile to my face everyday 🙂
Ooo, this is good. I was familiar with the ‘yes’when you mean ‘no’syndrome and try to gracefully and mindfully say ‘no’ but the ‘sorry’and ‘thank you’ are new dimensions. I’m from the UK and we are addicted to sorry and thank you – in a bad way. So some great takeaways for me. Really helpful.
I find myself doing the same exactly behaviors as you explained. Saying “I’m sorry” for things I had nothing to do with or for things I have no control over. For example someone tells me a story about themselves & working too hard or being stolen from etc… My immediate response is “I’m sorry!” Even with the saying yes & thank you. I still can’t figure out why I do these things but I do know I have felt unwanted, unloved & not cared for, for a good portion of my life. Most of the time it seems as if a lot of the people I know including family only want me around when I have something they want or need like money (which is really rare these days, ever since my wreck. I don’t even have a place to call home. I shouldn’t have gave my parents over half my settlement & I would be in a place of my own!) I know most of time I say I’m sorry because honestly I do feel bad for a majority of people but I need to worry about myself moreso than not & start to feel good about myself again. I believe I say yes too often because I feel rejected as it is and I don’t want to feel rejected by people anymore than what I already do. I hope you figure out why you do these things and blog what you discover & maybe that’ll help me to understand why I too do them. Thank you for your blog I felt as if I was alone in this area too. Have a blessed day. ☺☻
Hey Jessica.
I hear you…I have poured out my heart below and I really know how you feel. My first husband passed away and there was insurance money etc. My daughter was married, a new wife and mom, just lost her dad…so I gave them money for a house. Stupid thing to do because her then husband blew it all on stupid things and didn’t use it for the intended purposes. They are now divorced, daughter got nothing and my 2nd husband, at 65, works full-time. My son resents me for financial reasons and the guilt goes on.
I know we are ( you and I ) both worthy of just as much love as every other human being, but truly feeling it in our circumstances of the moment is harder to do. Have a loving yourself day, Cindy.
What a wonderful post to read this morning!!! It hit home with all 3 words!!! I’ll be passing it on too!
Oh I love this – why we say thank you too much really resonated.
This does resonate.