Hiya Gorgeous,
This is my most popular blog of all time. Every time I re-read it, it grounds me in my true purpose. There’s lots of advice out there on how to find your purpose, but most of it creates stress and, in my opinion, totally misses the mark. That’s why I want to share this with you today. Get ready for a huge sigh of relief because it’s easier than you think.
Lately, I’ve been working on being softer towards myself. Kinder. Slower. Why? Because it just feels so darn good, but also because I often feel anxious about the constant pressure to self-help myself. You might be feeling the same way. Every single day we receive messages telling us to eat better, work out more, lose weight, be more productive, and on and on and… well, you get the picture.
And don’t get me wrong—there’s plenty of value in working on the areas where YOU want to grow. I’ll always support you on those endeavors and share strategies that have helped me achieve my goals, but that’s not what today is about. This isn’t a blog about strategies. It’s about a bigger question that often leads to the ultimate spiritual crisis: How to find your purpose.
Just thinking about finding your purpose can literally make folks sweat. We tie ourselves up in knots searching for answers to questions like: What’s my higher calling? How do I stop spinning my wheels and get down to business? And to be even more blunt: What the hell am I supposed to be doing with my life?!
I struggled with this too, until I finally found my purpose (spoiler alert: or so I thought) with Crazy Sexy Cancer and then Crazy Sexy everything else. At first I felt very strong and proud. My feathers were fluffed. I had finally arrived spiritually. For the rest of my days I wouldn’t have to worry about the nagging, burning “what’s my purpose?” question. I used to tell myself, “Well, that’s one good thing that came from cancer …” It seemed pretty clear: My purpose was to help people get healthier, teach prevention and raise awareness about animal welfare. Pretty rad. A karmic home run. Check the grand quest off the list and mooove on.
But here’s the rub: When our purpose is external, we may never find it. If we tie our purpose or meaning to our vocation, goal or an activity, we’re likely setting ourselves up for discomfort and even failure down the line.
Finding your purpose
Your purpose has nothing to do with what you do. There, I said it. Your purpose is actually quite simple, it’s to awaken. To discover and nurture who you truly are, to know and love yourself at the deepest level and to guide yourself back home when you lose your way. The more you do this, the more aware and present you become, which creates more harmony in your life. Everything else is your burning passion, your inspired mission, your job, your love-fueled hobby, etc. Those things are powerful and very worthy, but they’re not your purpose. Your purpose is much, much bigger than that.
My deeper understanding of purpose feels right in the soul of my bones. It diffuses the ache of separateness I experience when my work isn’t appreciated or when my efforts are overlooked or criticized. Sometimes folks will treasure your work, sometimes they won’t. Sometimes you’ll get the gig, sometimes you won’t. You’ll be on the marquee and you’ll be passé. You’ll be thanked and you’ll be taken for granted. You’ll give and you’ll get nothing in return. You’ll be “Liked” and you’ll be unfriended. That’s life. But, so then what? You have no purpose or meaning?
Absolutely, positively not. Can you see how tying your worth to that yo-yo circus will only make you feel depleted, depressed and even resentful? Anchor your purpose within, sweet friend. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself drifting out at sea again and again.
What if your purpose is very different than what you’ve been taught to believe?
- What if your purpose is to build an everlasting relationship with yourself? To fall deeply in love with precious you? This isn’t self-centered or selfish, it’s self-expansive. Interconnected. Conscious.
- What if your purpose is to forgive yourself and others? And by doing so, to allow warm waves of compassion to wash over the entire planet (yourself included).
- What if your purpose is to gently heal all self-injury? And by doing so, to become a mentor and role model for others to do the same.
- What if your purpose is to release all shame and feelings of unworthiness? Guess what you’ll find behind those feelings? Vulnerability—where your true strength and courage reside.
- Shall we talk about perfection? Yes, I think we must. What if your purpose is to teach yourself that there is no such thing as perfection and that your never ending pursuit of it is destroying your life and your relationships? Let it go.
- What if your purpose is to speak kindly to yourself so that you elevate your energy and the world around you?
- What if your purpose is to develop an everlasting faith in yourself? To remember your holiness and treat yourself accordingly. The deeper your faith gets, the stronger your connection to a higher power.
- What if your purpose is to take impeccable care of yourself so that you have the energy and joy to serve others?
- What if your purpose is to sit still and listen to the wise voice within? We all have a choice about whether or not to attach to the crazy swirling around in our heads, hearts and universe. Stay open to your inner guidance and choose another way when needed.
And lastly …
What if your purpose (or invitation) is to actually bear witness to your suffering? To honor and acknowledge it in order to move through it. “They” say that “suffering is optional.” But I’m not so sure about that. Plus, I’m not so sure that the people who believe this have truly experienced suffering. I may have agreed with this at one point. But that was before my experience of loss, sickness and cancer. Today, I think suffering is inevitable in some way. The trick is to learn how to move out of it, or at least make peace with it, once we get the nugget and are ready to apply the lessons. Note: Residual pain may remain, and that’s OK, but at some point we can begin to thaw it out in order to embrace our one great, brilliant life.
What if finding your purpose is about finding and nurturing yourself?
Not an external to-do or accomplishment, even if that to-do or accomplishment is the most important discovery of all time. Because if you are the one destined to find the most important ah-ha of all time, you will probably find it quicker and easier if you feel good, loved and happy. Start there. It’s that simple.
Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t love my job (or you) or that I’m going to quit in any way. I cherish my work and all of my readers. And it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t start an orphanage or save animals or empower women or teach people how to file taxes. It means that you no longer need to connect your personal self-worth with a plaque on the wall.
Your self-worth has nothing to do with your craft or calling and everything to do with how you treat yourself and others.
I’ve met brilliant and effective activists who I have gallons of respect for but who are dirty messes inside. Mean messes. Bitter messes. Sad messes. Jaded, cranky-ass messes. And guess what? Their reach and impact reflects their attitude. Imagine what they could accomplish if they moved from loathing to love, if they knew that no matter how important their mission, their inner purpose matters even more. Folks are like plants, we all lean towards the light.
You are the light. Your inner purpose is to connect with that light. Everything else will follow in time.
I love this post. Regarding suffering, what if suffering is the Universe’s way of teaching us to have compassion for others? What if it is our own suffering that teaches us to empathize with the struggles of others?
If so, then suffering teaches the world to love one another, and once the world has learned this lesson, there will no longer be any need for suffering. If this is true, then seeking to end all suffering would be to rob the world of the gift of compassion that it teaches. Together, we can all ultimately transcend suffering, but perhaps, only through suffering, can we transcend suffering.
Hi Kris,
This is such a beautiful message that you have written and are sharing with us! Your message resonates with me on such a deep level. You give me hope for a different type of life! Sounds like the beginning of a new book. : ) xo Lorig
(smiling)
my favorite: “Folks are like plants, we all lean towards the light.”
& for my ‘self’ right now> that means sitting up straight & standing tall. There is a light IN ME 🙂 So happy to have found it again
Thank you times a million! I have been chasing “my purpose” since I got out of college a few years ago. And I was starting to think that I was flawed. But this article changed my entire viewpoint. And the shift I feel when i start to put me first and allow everything else to flow is monumental! Your voice gives me courage to find my own 🙂
I am going to school for psychology, and later psychiatry (ifits in the cards) i could relate so much to what you said about “It seemed pretty clear: My purpose was to help people get healthier and to teach prevention. Pretty rad. A karmic home run.” I always want to help others. but it isn’t until my 22 year of age i realize, i never put myself, first.
i suffer from respiratory, immunological and allergies. i try to follow the lead of putting natural, or mostly natural foods into my body. i try to walk an hour a day to train my lungs and practice breathing through my nose which is really hard for me (i have a deviated septum) i cannot tolerate wheat nor dairy. i was upset with myself because i felt flawed. limited. but then i discovered happiness is accepting flaws and learning from it. your blog post empowered me to further love myself because i am the only person i have. i am me. i am my soul and i am my love. your blog post made me realize its okay if i wake up tomorrow and dont feel 100%, to keep meditating, breathing, forgiving others and showering them with pure love. i want to be a psychologist and help others but first i have to be ridicolously and fully in love and okay with myself in order to transcend. thank you Kris. happy 2013 sweet angel
Thank you Kriss for writing on this topic. It’s been a while that i’m searching like MAD about my purpose in life. Iread alot of books, listened to guests of Oprah, met a professionnal reorientation coach to find THE job of my life that would define my self worth. All i found besides too much information is anxiety! But this morning, it,s different. Today is my birthday, i’m turning 44, and the first thing i did when i opened my laptop was to go to your blog. What a surprised! There was the nicest gift i could received from a stranger. It is more than an answer it’s a confirmation about my true purpose in my life. The way you wrote about it with the sweet gentleness made me cry. And yes i will finally exhale and be at peace because i understood the internal vs external true self. I can’t thank you enough dear dear Kriss. May Life bless you.
This is total brilliance! Thank you for putting it into this fabulous string of words. I’ll be sharing this with everyone I know at every opportunity. This is all about a lesson I have been learning of late after years of searching vehemently for an outer purpose for all these years. I have only recently seen clearly that my true purpose is to be light and shine on everyone I meet. I have found such peace since that finally became clear to me. I so appreciate your affirmation and wonderful expression of this beautiful truth! Simply wonderful! Love to you!
I feel like you just gave me a hug and then I gave myself a hug. <3 Thanks! Much Love!
Thank you. That’s all.
Great post! Thank you so much for sharing!
Cool!
You hit the nail on the head. Thanks for a great article!
All I can say Is “Thank You” for writing that article. I know I’ve been searching i all the wrong places and now you confirmed it. Thank you my friend.
Wonderful post! Fresh and amazingly inspiring! Grateful, grateful, grateful!
Love,
Ali.
Kris Carr, you are one heck of a girl! This topic is timely for me and you hit the nail on the head. One of the things in life I believe is that we have many, many teachers. Some of mine have been very subtle others had had a blow horn. You have become one of mine. A treasured one with your honesty, wisdom and humour. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. xox
Out of all the “self-help” articles, books, DVDs I’ve read/watched over the years none of them have ever resonated. I finally decided I was a self-help flop. Nothing ever applied to me. Your wisdom and your honesty has changed all that for me. You are real, funny (real funny) and you are frank. I feel lucky to have run across your doc a few years back. It started me on a path and gave me direction albeit wide and sometime barely visible (and I take some wrong turns) I read what you write and I keep going. I feel more steady. I am finally hearing some truth… and there’s certainly lots and lots of hope! (and juice) Thank you, thank you.
“Your purpose has nothing to do with what you do. There, I said it. Your purpose is about discovering and nurturing who you truly are, to know and love yourself at the deepest level and to guide yourself back home when you lose your way,” perfectly said.
I have read many articles etc on purpose and this connected with me deeply, more than any other article. It also gave me a sense of relief, that I don’t need to search from something external like the perfect career rather I just need to constantly work on myself. I can do that with pleasure!
Sending LOVE
I love this Kris! Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us and for putting yourself out here. I’m going to share this with as many people as possible. Take care and have a happy, self- loving, light-shining 2013! 🙂 Love, Rachel xxx
i’m a little speechless at how these words reflect how i feel about how i want to spend my time in my life… this is the important stuff… self love seems to be at the core of many of my ‘perceived’ problems/blocks etc… and this piece states clearly why… thank you.
I found your site last year after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was searching for ways to improve my health. I drink green smoothies now every morning for breakfast.
I really like this article on finding our purpose. finally some honest feedback about searching our soul for kindness first, to our ourselves.
Thanks for being an inspiration. cheers to 2013.