Hiya Gorgeous,
This is my most popular blog of all time. Every time I re-read it, it grounds me in my true purpose. There’s lots of advice out there on how to find your purpose, but most of it creates stress and, in my opinion, totally misses the mark. That’s why I want to share this with you today. Get ready for a huge sigh of relief because it’s easier than you think.
Lately, I’ve been working on being softer towards myself. Kinder. Slower. Why? Because it just feels so darn good, but also because I often feel anxious about the constant pressure to self-help myself. You might be feeling the same way. Every single day we receive messages telling us to eat better, work out more, lose weight, be more productive, and on and on and… well, you get the picture.
And don’t get me wrong—there’s plenty of value in working on the areas where YOU want to grow. I’ll always support you on those endeavors and share strategies that have helped me achieve my goals, but that’s not what today is about. This isn’t a blog about strategies. It’s about a bigger question that often leads to the ultimate spiritual crisis: How to find your purpose.
Just thinking about finding your purpose can literally make folks sweat. We tie ourselves up in knots searching for answers to questions like: What’s my higher calling? How do I stop spinning my wheels and get down to business? And to be even more blunt: What the hell am I supposed to be doing with my life?!
I struggled with this too, until I finally found my purpose (spoiler alert: or so I thought) with Crazy Sexy Cancer and then Crazy Sexy everything else. At first I felt very strong and proud. My feathers were fluffed. I had finally arrived spiritually. For the rest of my days I wouldn’t have to worry about the nagging, burning “what’s my purpose?” question. I used to tell myself, “Well, that’s one good thing that came from cancer …” It seemed pretty clear: My purpose was to help people get healthier, teach prevention and raise awareness about animal welfare. Pretty rad. A karmic home run. Check the grand quest off the list and mooove on.
But here’s the rub: When our purpose is external, we may never find it. If we tie our purpose or meaning to our vocation, goal or an activity, we’re likely setting ourselves up for discomfort and even failure down the line.
Finding your purpose
Your purpose has nothing to do with what you do. There, I said it. Your purpose is actually quite simple, it’s to awaken. To discover and nurture who you truly are, to know and love yourself at the deepest level and to guide yourself back home when you lose your way. The more you do this, the more aware and present you become, which creates more harmony in your life. Everything else is your burning passion, your inspired mission, your job, your love-fueled hobby, etc. Those things are powerful and very worthy, but they’re not your purpose. Your purpose is much, much bigger than that.
My deeper understanding of purpose feels right in the soul of my bones. It diffuses the ache of separateness I experience when my work isn’t appreciated or when my efforts are overlooked or criticized. Sometimes folks will treasure your work, sometimes they won’t. Sometimes you’ll get the gig, sometimes you won’t. You’ll be on the marquee and you’ll be passé. You’ll be thanked and you’ll be taken for granted. You’ll give and you’ll get nothing in return. You’ll be “Liked” and you’ll be unfriended. That’s life. But, so then what? You have no purpose or meaning?
Absolutely, positively not. Can you see how tying your worth to that yo-yo circus will only make you feel depleted, depressed and even resentful? Anchor your purpose within, sweet friend. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself drifting out at sea again and again.
What if your purpose is very different than what you’ve been taught to believe?
- What if your purpose is to build an everlasting relationship with yourself? To fall deeply in love with precious you? This isn’t self-centered or selfish, it’s self-expansive. Interconnected. Conscious.
- What if your purpose is to forgive yourself and others? And by doing so, to allow warm waves of compassion to wash over the entire planet (yourself included).
- What if your purpose is to gently heal all self-injury? And by doing so, to become a mentor and role model for others to do the same.
- What if your purpose is to release all shame and feelings of unworthiness? Guess what you’ll find behind those feelings? Vulnerability—where your true strength and courage reside.
- Shall we talk about perfection? Yes, I think we must. What if your purpose is to teach yourself that there is no such thing as perfection and that your never ending pursuit of it is destroying your life and your relationships? Let it go.
- What if your purpose is to speak kindly to yourself so that you elevate your energy and the world around you?
- What if your purpose is to develop an everlasting faith in yourself? To remember your holiness and treat yourself accordingly. The deeper your faith gets, the stronger your connection to a higher power.
- What if your purpose is to take impeccable care of yourself so that you have the energy and joy to serve others?
- What if your purpose is to sit still and listen to the wise voice within? We all have a choice about whether or not to attach to the crazy swirling around in our heads, hearts and universe. Stay open to your inner guidance and choose another way when needed.
And lastly …
What if your purpose (or invitation) is to actually bear witness to your suffering? To honor and acknowledge it in order to move through it. “They” say that “suffering is optional.” But I’m not so sure about that. Plus, I’m not so sure that the people who believe this have truly experienced suffering. I may have agreed with this at one point. But that was before my experience of loss, sickness and cancer. Today, I think suffering is inevitable in some way. The trick is to learn how to move out of it, or at least make peace with it, once we get the nugget and are ready to apply the lessons. Note: Residual pain may remain, and that’s OK, but at some point we can begin to thaw it out in order to embrace our one great, brilliant life.
What if finding your purpose is about finding and nurturing yourself?
Not an external to-do or accomplishment, even if that to-do or accomplishment is the most important discovery of all time. Because if you are the one destined to find the most important ah-ha of all time, you will probably find it quicker and easier if you feel good, loved and happy. Start there. It’s that simple.
Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t love my job (or you) or that I’m going to quit in any way. I cherish my work and all of my readers. And it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t start an orphanage or save animals or empower women or teach people how to file taxes. It means that you no longer need to connect your personal self-worth with a plaque on the wall.
Your self-worth has nothing to do with your craft or calling and everything to do with how you treat yourself and others.
I’ve met brilliant and effective activists who I have gallons of respect for but who are dirty messes inside. Mean messes. Bitter messes. Sad messes. Jaded, cranky-ass messes. And guess what? Their reach and impact reflects their attitude. Imagine what they could accomplish if they moved from loathing to love, if they knew that no matter how important their mission, their inner purpose matters even more. Folks are like plants, we all lean towards the light.
You are the light. Your inner purpose is to connect with that light. Everything else will follow in time.
Recently read a solstice prayer that suggested reconnecting with your inner light as well as celebrating the return of the outer light. Loved it. Many blessings!
Ahhh, so true, Kris! THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Lovely, I have had this question written in my journal for months now….”Have we misplaced purpose?” Thank you for the reminder that our purpose on this planet has less to do with our doing and more to do with our being. xoxo
I really enjoyed this article because it made me think. I really see where you are coming from and I connect with it. Thank you for the food for thought. It really takes loads off of your shoulders if you look at purpose this way. Self care ALL DAY!
I love this. I have been trying to figure out who I am, or what I’m supposed to be doing, by deciding what external thing I truly am for *years*. I think I kindof knew better, but I’ve been trying to figure out whether the real me is a writer or an artist or a somatic-emotional healer, or a whatever, for so so long. None of these things is me. I am not one of them, or even all of them. I am something else. The things I do are things I do – what I think I may categorize under my inspired mission, or what I need to do, or what makes my heart sing. Any of which may or may not change. Your purpose is discovering and nurturing who you truly are. That feels really different. Thank you.
I like this blog so much – it feels peaceful and right and doable. I think the ego ties us to a material achievement/purpose. This helped me so much today – I was struggling with this earlier then went running in nature and felt at peace then felt like I shouldn’t feel that because I would lose my inner conflict about finding my purpose. But what if me feeling good was the purpose and by me feeling good it leads to everything – that is so much simpler and I’ve thought of this before but it has felt too easy or narcissistic – but I always feel good when I look at things this simply. So thanks – I’m rambling now so I’ll sign off – Merry Christmas!!! xoxo
Perfect! Thank you! I want to read this to EVERYONE I know!
Sending you great big Cyber HUGGGGGGS!
Kris, I have my furry child on my belly and tears streaming down my face. Your light really does lead our lights to where they need to be. Thank you with all the grace and gratitude I possess. My heart is full and my feet grounded, and I love you.
I think you`re amazing. Being amazing without having that as a main goal is such a gift. Take care of yourself during this holiday. You are such a big gift for yourself and all of us. Much-much love from Norway
I love you too!
Wow. Unbelievable how timely this is. Thank you for taking the time to write and to share. You are such a good and loving teacher, just by being YOU…. Happy Holidays, Kris. T
Upon reading the first sentence, “….. being softer, kinder, slower with myself” even amidst feelings of anxiety~ well, you nailed both my longing (an intense pull towards finding a way to inner peace and calm) and my all-too-often current state of mind (anxious). I rarely read/hear words or insights shared that speak to me so personally, and am so grateful to have read your words tonight. Yes, yes, of course, there it is : “Your purpose is about discovering and nurturing who you truly are, to know and love yourself at the deepest level and to guide yourself back home when you lose your way.” To wake up and know that truth each day, and live my moments through the day with that at my core~ this is the most worthy aim I can think of. I know it influences both my actions (whatever it is I do, big or small) as well as my perspective in the most profound ways~ that nebulous knot in my stomach that I can’t even pinpoint dissolves and all of a sudden I breathe deeper, I look people in the eye more, I smile inwardly and outwardly more, my interactions with others are more genuine, things I do/say/create feel more inspired. ~ Makes me feel radiant in a kind of ineffable way because it comes from my core. I’ve found myself in these moments of grace, too infrequently, but I’ve known such moments. Your words today make this state of being more vivid for me, and are like a spiritual hug that I didn’t even realize I was aching for!
You’re a beautiful soul, Kris~ Thank you for shining your light, which I see as this gorgeous bright Qi ball drenched in honesty, courage, vulnerability, insight, love, openness~ I could probably go on but will just end with a grateful *sigh*. Peaceful, love-filled holiday to you.
This is beautiful, thank you!
Kris, thank you for this stunning and liberating piece of online literature. I don’t know how you know what I always need to hear, but you are more to me than a wellness expert, and this is more than just a health blog. You’ve changed my life for the better so many times already, and now you’ve done it again. Merry Xmas, my dude. You rule.
Wonderful and inspiring post. I will be sharing this with many. XO
Struggled with this al lot, and a whole lot lately. Found a very vague aha! taking a shower yesterday. About how it’s not in the doing, but in the being. How it’s in what is going on within and how that spreads out with everything you say, you do, the glance in your eyes. Yes!!! But what does that really mean? This morning I read your Blog and the aha! comes very clear now. Thank you! It’s hard to keep this focus though, the world makes you (want to) think so different. We really need to help each other with this.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. You are a blessing. Love to you too.
Wonderful!!!! Just what I needed! THANK YOU! Many Blessings in 2013
What a lovely present to unwrap on Christmas Day! Thanks for sharing your beautiful insights. Peace & Love from the inside out <3
Thank you for this awesome blog post Kris!
I think this conversation about “finding our life purpose” and making happiness our primary function is so timely and important right now. It wasn’t until I accepted and embraced all of me, all of my desires and all of my talents and abilities that miraculous opportunities opened up for me and now I feel it’s my calling to guide and support others on the path of their life purpose. I write about this topic a lot on my website and it’s also a major part of the coaching calls with my clients.
Thanks again for this beautiful message and let’s all set the intention to take loving care of ourselves! That’s such a huge part of living on purpose.